


Send Me on My Way

by animmortalist



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dad!Bellamy, Dad!Murphy, F/M, Fluff, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Idiots in Love, Kid Fic, Like Big Dumbs, Mom!Clarke, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, clarke and raven are tired, did I mention everyone's dumb, mom!raven, murphy and bellamy are bros who need to grow up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:21:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 34,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25752028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animmortalist/pseuds/animmortalist
Summary: Clarke and Raven despise Bellamy and Murphy in college. But that doesn’t stop them from sleeping with them when a party plus a round of Dance Dance Revolution leads to a whole lot more. 12 years later, Raven and Clarke are raising their daughters, Robin and Madi. They hope to keep the secret forever, and have accepted being alone in return.Of course, their kids, and fate, have other ideas.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, John Murphy/Raven Reyes
Comments: 121
Kudos: 240





	1. Was It Too Much Too Soon? (Or Too Little Too Late)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies!! this one has been in the works for a long-ass time...I'm talking like Rock Bottom the first time around. and I finally am getting to it because I just can't stop working on it and I wanna share and I hope you enjoy it!!
> 
> note: there's some smut in this chapter, but I tried to make it clear when to cut out and then come back if that's not your thing. 
> 
> feedback is always, always appreciated, but please keep any hate to yourself. sending all the love and good thoughts your way 💞💞
> 
> *chapter title from 'When They Fight, They Fight' by Generationals*

Clarke hates college parties. She always thinks she won’t when she’s getting ready to go to them, which is probably why she keeps going. Like tonight, she pre-gamed with Miller and Jasper and Raven, and she’s so excited when people start arriving. But then people actually do get there and she has one interaction with Bellamy and she remembers how much she hates them. It’s her sophomore spring. She’s meant to _love_ parties. Instead, here she is, fighting with Bellamy, and hating them. 

“No, no, no,” she says when he cracks some joke to her. Something so wrong and having to do with doctors and stereotypes and sticks up asses that ‘no’ doesn’t even cover it. 

“Have I mentioned no?” she asks because she’s feeling a little dramatic tonight. Whatever. Bellamy deserves it. Plus, she may be a little bit drunk. 

He laughs, which only pisses her off more. “I don’t think you had enough ‘no’s in there to convince me.”

She opens her mouth to retort but hears Murphy shout from across the room, “Careful, Bellamy. Heard from Finn that Clarke here’s got claws!”

Clarke crosses her arms across her chest and turns to glower at him. “Shut up, Murphy. Don’t you have an emo convention to get to you.” She makes a pointed look at his eyebrow ring and black clothes. 

This makes him narrow his eyes at her, and there’s the feeling of a potential fight breaking out. The Finn Debacle happened only last term, and she hates to admit it, but there’s still some sensitivity there. It worked out for the best though. In the end, she got one of her closest friends, Raven, out of it. Usually, her friends avoid the topic, but of course, Murphy can’t resist bringing it up. 

Raven makes a point of going over to him and grins. “At least she manages to get laid.”

Which is when Jasper shouts, “Who wants to play Dance Dance Revolution?”

This is met with a smattering of drunken cheers and half-assed supportive thumbs up from the group who’ve been high since they walked in the door. Which includes Monty, who, really, did he have to eat two whole brownies? Clarke rolls her eyes. No way is she going to play. 

Bellamy has other plans. “What do you say, Clarke? Wanna challenge me?”  
  


She flicks her eyes up and down his frame and smirks. “Please. You wouldn’t recover from the ass-handing.”

“Ass-handing huh?” He returns her smirk with an even more smug one of her own. Honestly, she’s surprised the expression isn’t permanently fixed on his stupidly attractive face. She wishes she could find a way to get rid of it permanently. But the more she goes after him, the more he seems to like it. “I see a lot of talking and not a lot of actual action.”

What an ass. She knows better, really, she does. Or, at least, she likes to think she does. But she can’t resist when he questions her abilities like this. Plus, she might be just the slightest bit competitive. Clarke sucks on her teeth. 

“Fine,” she settles it. Then she points a finger at his chest. “But you’re going down.”

Bellamy leans in and Clarke matches him, getting right in his face, not wanting to back down or even give him an inch. It’s the last thing his ego needs. 

“We’ll see,” he says, and damn him, he winks. 

They step up to the mats in front of the crappy TV she and Jasper lugged all the way from the pawn shop on Seventh and Spruce to the basement dwellings he shares with Monty. Everyone calls out who they’re rooting for. 

“Kick his ass, Clarke!” Raven shouts, saluting her with her red solo cup. 

“Don’t worry,” she says, meeting Bellamy’s eye for a second. He’s all lazy composure while she’s tense and ready for the game to start. “I will.”

He rolls his eyes and grins. “Just start the game, Clarke.”

“How about you start it?” she counters.

She might be more than a little drunk. Doesn’t matter. She could take down Bellamy in her sleep if she wanted.

“I’ll start it,” Jasper intervenes, before their bickering gets even worse. 

Jasper gets a look of glee on his face as he stares at the two of them that’s a little unnerving. No one seems more entertained by her and Bellamy than him. She doesn’t know what’s up with it, but she has a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the way Monty and Jasper exchange one-dollar bills whenever Clarke and Bellamy get into an argument. They’re a great group of friends, but she has no idea what’s up with them obsessing over how she and Bellamy clearly hate one another. Maybe hate is a strong word. But she doesn’t know how else to define it. 

“Clarke, Bellamy,” he says, his tone so dramatic it makes half the room scoff and the other half laugh. “Do your worse!” 

Then the game starts, and all Clarke can focus on is crushing Bellamy. 

He’s good at this game, she has to acknowledge, even though she doesn’t want to. Then, she already knows that. This isn’t the first showdown the two of them have had. In fact, the very first night she met him, they played. It’s how they met. She was boasting about her skills, and he asked her to show him rather than tell. He beat her so badly she got uproariously drunk. 

That’s how she met Finn, dancing on a table in this very basement. He came up on the table too, and because she was pissed at Bellamy and herself for losing, she kissed him. Raven was away in Hong Kong for study abroad. When they found out the truth, the two of them ditched him immediately. While it took a solid two and a half months, and there’s still some leftover tension, they eventually became friends. 

Clarke wishes she could erase the whole term. But since she lost her dad her senior of high school, she’s learned some hard fucking truths. One of them? You can’t go back and erase time. It’s always gonna be there. 

“You going easy on me, Clarke?” Bellamy teases, drawing her out of her thoughts, no doubt spurred on by the amount of beer she’s had. 

“You wish,” she says and does a spin on the mat that nearly doubles her points. 

“I think you can do better than that,” he adds while he does his own stunt that she should’ve thought of already. 

It only encourages her to try harder. 

She’s thinking about beating Bellamy so badly he cries, when she actually does make him cry. Even if it’s only for a second, and by accident. Clarke’s so busy throwing up her arm in a move, that she doesn’t notice Bellamy in her trajectory. Not until she hits him so hard in the face her arm aches. He stumbles back a little and puts his hands to his nose. 

“Oh my god,” Jasper exclaims. “Clarke just tried to take out Bellamy over a game of Dance Dance Revolution!”

She’s never been so horrified in her life. 

“Bellamy!” Clarke exclaims. He’s still holding his nose, which she sees is bleeding a little. “Fuck, I didn’t mean it, I promise. I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

He takes his hands off his face, there’s some blood there, but it doesn’t look nearly as bad as she originally thought. 

“Wow,” he says. Then he starts laughing, and that makes her both concerned that he has brain damage and pissed at the same time.

“This isn’t funny!” she protests. 

“Of course it is,” Murphy says, taking a sip of his beer. “You nearly killed him over a video game.”

“I didn’t try to kill him.” She shoots him a glare. Then she turns back to Bellamy. “I didn’t try to kill you, I swear.”

He snorts. “I believe you.” She feels relief, until he teases, “But it is a way to take out the competition that never occurred to me you’d stoop to.”

She shakes her head. “Very funny.”

“I like to think that I am,” Bellamy grins, and he goes to give Murphy a fist-bump, but looks a little woozy as he does. 

Alarm rings in her head, cutting through her tipsiness like a bucket of ice water. He could be really hurt. Maybe a concussion. Or worse. She steps toward him and takes his face in her hands, pulling him closer. 

“Shit, Bellamy, you’re not okay,” she says. 

He tries to get out of her grip, but she refuses to budge. “I’m fine,” he argues.

She lets go, even if it’s only to look at him in a way that’s only slightly condescending. “Who is the snotty pre-med student?” she asks.

He rolls his eyes and answers, “You, obviously.”

“That’s right.” She grabs his arm. “Now, come on, I stashed like five First-Aid kits in Jasper’s bathroom when the term started.”

Before Bellamy can properly protest, Clarke’s leading him by the arm towards the bathroom. On the way there, he makes claims that he’s “fine” and she “didn’t even make a dent in his thick head”. She turns around and tells him that if he’s starting to be self-deprecating, then that’s truly a sign that something’s wrong. They pause in the kitchen where she grabs a couple of bottles of water. If she’s gonna make sure he’s okay, she needs to sober up a little. 

He turns and pauses in front of the bathroom door. “How much have you had to drink?”

She hates the little smirk he’s giving her. Like he’s somehow superior because he has a higher tolerance. Then she immediately feels guilty. She did hit him in the face. Maybe she can let some light teasing go. 

“Not that much,” she defends. He gives her a look. So she pushes him into the bathroom. “Whatever, do you want me to make sure you’re not going to die or not?”

He raises his hands in defense. “I would love to not die because of you hitting me in the face with about as much power as a feisty hamster.”

She gives him a fake cheery smile. “That’s what I thought.” Then she takes out the First-Aid kit and puts it on the vanity. 

He goes to say something else, but then she hops up on the bathroom counter and pulls him to her by the shirt. She hates to even _think_ it, but the look on his face is kind of cute when she does. And he makes this little noise like the air’s been knocked out of him. As soon as the thought lands, she dismisses it. Nothing about Bellamy is cute, she reminds herself. Because they kind of hate each other. Obviously. 

“This is a little much, don’t you think?” he asks, voice a little strained, which she doesn’t really understand. 

She pulls out cotton swabs and some alcohol. “This is gonna sting.” 

He looks unimpressed, but when he winces slightly as she puts the cotton to his nose she raises her brows and can’t help but smile. 

“You’re a very mean doctor, you know,” he says, but it doesn’t quite have the bite of his normal remarks. 

“Shut up,” she retorts as she continues to clean up his face so she can see it properly. “I’m still fixing you, aren’t I?”

He acts all petulant and she ignores the feeling it evokes in her stomach. She doesn’t know what’s wrong with her tonight. Normally, it’s so easy to completely ignore the fact that Bellamy’s hot. Mostly because he’s so annoying. She doesn’t understand why this night is so different. 

“There isn’t much to fix.” He grins. “My face is perfect.”

She pauses dabbing away the last of the blood and just stares at him. He shakes with his laughter. 

“Fine, fine, even that was a bit much for me,” he relents.

“As long as you admit it,” she says and returns to her work. Finally, she checks his eyes to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion or anything, though he tries to argue with her the whole time. When she’s satisfied, she nods and tells him, “Okay. I am convinced I am not going to be the cause of your untimely death.”

“Oh, joy,” he deadpans. “I couldn’t have guessed that.”

This is when she figures he’ll step away and she’ll jump off the counter and they’ll go back to the party. That doesn’t happen. Bellamy doesn’t move away. And she doesn’t get off the counter. Or even move to. Or even ask him to let her. Instead, he gives her this look. It confuses her, at first. But then once she gets used to it, she finds she doesn’t mind it. Really, if she’s being honest, she _likes_ it. A lot. 

“What?” she asks. A piece of her really is curious, wants to know why he’s looking at her like that. Why he’s never done it before. And, if possible, can they both do something about it?

He swallows. “Nothing, I just, um…”

“Um?” she repeats and screws up her face. Maybe she’s just imagining the look on his face. Maybe she’s much drunker than she thought was even possible on the four beers she’s had. 

He doesn’t give her any more answers though. Well, at least not in words. Just as she’s expecting the moment to break between them, for him to step away and go back to the party, he does something that she would've never guessed would happen with Bellamy before they walked into that bathroom.

He kisses her. 

It takes Clarke a second to even realize what’s happening. His mouth is hard and soft all the same time. And warm, too. He pulls away after only a moment though. Before she has the chance to respond. 

“I’m sorry,” he starts, worry set in his eyes. “I didn’t mean—”

She cuts him off by kissing him this time. Her hands go to his shoulders and she drags him closer. Her legs spread enough for him to step into the gap. They get lost in each other after that. Their lips meet again and again. Half of it feels like they’re still fighting, but the other half...Before she can stop the thought, she wonders why they’ve never done this before. 

Grinning against her mouth, his hands go up her shirt and under her bra to her breasts. He teases her a little and she moans in the back of her throat. When her nails dig in a little at his shoulders and he groans, it’s her turn to grin. 

Moving at a rapid fire pace, her hands go to his belt and once it’s off, he helps her sit up so she can get her shorts off. It’s not elegant, and they’re half-laughing with each movement, trying their best to stay quiet. But it feels way more natural than it ever did with Finn. 

He teases her where she’s already wet with his fingers, helping her sit up so he can hit an angle that feels just right. In return, she slides one hand down from his shoulders so she can wrap it around him.

Then Clarke feels Bellamy wince a little as they’re kissing and realizes she completely forgot the purpose of coming into the bathroom. 

“Wait, your face,” she says, but his shirt is still bunched up in her free hand and while she pauses the movement with her second, she doesn’t move that one, either. 

“Screw my face,” he replies and kisses her again, hard. 

She can’t but pull back and grin. “Really? Because all you had to do was ask.” 

He nearly chokes, and it’s so worth the possible embarrassment of the joke. “Jesus Christ, Clarke, you might kill me after all.”

“Not yet.” Then she pulls him in towards her again. 

This time, the kiss is hotter. All tongues and teeth and speeding past the steps she took so painstakingly with Anya in high school. She doesn’t want to go slow. Not right now, at least. Not with it feeling so good with Bellamy.

Her hand continues to work him and he moans so loud she worries people will hear them. The thought only concerns her for a moment, because then Bellamy’s fingers crook inside her and she pants out a soft moan when they break their kiss to breathe. 

“Clarke,” he says, stopping his movements, his chest is heaving a bit. She whines and bites her lip. He squeezes his eyes shut. “You’ve been drinking, I don’t want to—”

“Kindly shut up and stop ruining this,” she states, with much more gusto than she ever thought was possible for her. He gapes at her for a moment and she softens a little. “It’s okay,” she says, and kisses him, lightly, this time. “But seriously, don’t stop.”

“Going. To. Kill. Me,” he tells her in between kisses, each one dirtier than the last. 

She rolls her eyes but can’t stay concentrated on being annoyed for too long. Not when he finally gives her what she wants and is finally inside her. Clarke clings to his shoulders and then tangles one hand in his hair. He places searing hot kisses along her throat. It sends her head spinning. He grips onto her hip hard as he continues to snap his hips against hers as best they can given their positioning in the small bathroom. 

“You feel so fucking good,” he says before nipping at the place behind her ear. 

She feels herself melt a little at the sound of his voice, and while part of her wants to be pissed at her own body’s reaction, she can’t bring herself to be. Bellamy picks up on it, which normally she’d expect him to be all smug about, but instead, he pulls back and looks at her with something a lot like awe. The look holds too much, so she pulls his lip between her teeth and feels his smirk. That feels better, she thinks, in the only coherent part of her mind she has left while Bellamy’s wrecking her. More like what this actually is. 

In the moment, she thinks it lasts forever, it feels so amazing. But later, she realizes it’s ten minutes or so. Which she does get, he is only twenty-two, after all. 

Clarke doesn’t think anything can ruin the moment. It’s never been _like this_ for her. Even during that first time with Finn, both of them drunk and clawing at one another’s clothes. Even though the hook-up with Bellamy is all heat, it’s somehow so much more precise. But she doesn’t let herself think about it too long, and throws herself into how good it all feels. When he sends her careening off the edge, she knows she makes some obscene throaty plea. He comes not long after, his head buried in the crook of her neck. 

And then it settles around them.

The weirdness. 

Silently, they pull on their clothes and straighten their hair as much as possible. Clarke isn’t sure she’s ever felt so awkward after sex in her life. She knows she has to say _something_ though. 

“That was...Fun,” she finishes, so lame she wants to die.

He looks a little dazed but manages a nod. “Yeah, it was.”

She gives him a tight smile. From outside the door, she hears Raven call out, “Where the hell is Clarke? Clarke! Come help me crush Jasper and Monty at beer pong.”

“Don’t let me keep you,” Bellamy says and nods toward the door. 

“Right,” she huffs out a laugh. She bites her lip and thinks about saying more, but in the end, she only tells him, “See you out there.” And she walks out without another word. 

The rest of the night is fun, really. Her and Raven do indeed crush Jasper and Monty. But the whole time, she can’t stop thinking about Bellamy. Before she even has a chance to talk to him again though, he takes off. 

It’s the last time they really hang out until they have that last awful conversation. And then he graduates.

* * *

Murphy does love sleeping with Raven, even if she talks way too much about how it’s a ‘one-time thing’. It’s been a one-time thing for months now. They go back and forth debating this. Her, deciding they’re done. Him, smugly telling her they’ll see about that. Her, texting him in a moment of weakness. On and on it goes. With seemingly no end in sight for either one of them. Not that he’s going to complain about it while she’s riding him. 

Her hands are on his chest, and he’s on the floor. His hands at her hips, gripping them so hard he bets they’re leaving marks. Raven likes that though. She told him after the third time this happened. He’s so focused on how great she feels that he doesn’t even think about the likely colony of bacteria living on Jasper’s bedroom floor. The carpet might be gross as hell, but it sure beats the bed. 

When she pulled him into Jasper’s bedroom while everyone else was distracted by a game of flip cup, he paused before she tried to fling him onto the bed.

“No way am I fucking you on Jasper’s bed,” he said.

“Ah, cute,” she replied. “Friendship.”

Murphy snorted. “Please. I just don’t wanna catch anything.” She considered that and agreed. 

Hence, the floor. 

He breaks apart their kiss just long enough to start to ask her a question, one she apparently already knows he’s going to say. 

“If you ask me about my fucking leg one more time, I’ll walk away right now,” she gets out, a little breathless. 

He rolls his eyes and squeezes her hip a little tighter, and feels how much she likes it. “Like you would even seriously think about it.” And she doesn’t move, which only makes him feel a little more daring. Then he adds, “And I apologize for being such a considerate hook-up.”

She leans down and kisses him again, dragging her lips away after a moment, taking any coherent thoughts with it. “No one asked you to be considerate, Murphy. That’s not what this is. Remember?”

“Oh, I remember,” he replies and thrusts a little bit harder. 

It’s true. This really is just sex. For the both of them. He doesn’t harbor any secret feelings or anything like that. This is fun. An escape. A way to not have to worry about arranging crappy sex with a rando. Besides, they can barely stand one another on the best of days. 

This time around, it goes faster than normal for them. As much as she protests admitting to it, Murphy knows Raven likes it when he takes his time. Paying attention to every detail. Every place he’s learned over the past couple of months. The ones she likes the best. The ones she didn’t even know about until he came along. But given the party just outside the door filled with their friends, they both know they don’t exactly have the luxury to do whatever they’d like to one another. 

He still makes sure she comes first though. He’s nothing if not a gentleman. 

After, they make sure to clean themselves up, and Raven stands with some amount of effort and help from Murphy. “This is the last time,” she says to him before she leaves Jasper’s bedroom. “I mean it.”

Murphy smirks and rolls his eyes. But he allows it, for now. “Whatever you say.”

As it turns out though, it really is the last time. She doesn’t text him for a hook up again, and then he finishes school. And that’s the end, he figures. 

* * *

_About 12 Years Later_

Bellamy and Murphy planned to move back to Arkadia in the winter, but then things got side-tracked and instead, it becomes the spring. 

“Look what we got,” Murphy says as he comes in through the front door of their shit apartment. Part of the reason why they’re leaving New York. A major one, if Bellamy’s honest. Arkadia might not be the center of the universe, but the rent’s manageable. 

Bellamy frowns at the fancy envelope in his hand. Then it clicks, and he rolls his eyes. “Wedding invite? Seriously, when will people figure out we’re only in it to sleep with the bridesmaids or unhinged cousins and stop inviting us?”

Murphy shrugs. “Might be fun.”

Bellamy snorts. “I doubt that. Who’s selling away their souls this time?”

Murphy hesitates for a moment before he admits, “Harper and Monty, from college.”

That gets Bellamy’s attention, even though he does his best to cover it up. Murphy smirks. “So I’m guessing we’re going.”

He tries to play it cool, really, he does. But Murphy sees right through that. “Your little obsession with Clarke Griffin is showing.”

Bellamy rolls his eyes. “Shut up, it’s not an _obsession._ ” But it doesn’t have the bite he intends. So, he adds, “I don’t care, really. Probably won’t even go.” Because obviously this will make things better. 

Murphy raises his eyebrows at him for a minute, unwavering in his stare, and Bellamy cracks. “Fine, it might be worth seeing what she’s been up to.”

He shakes his head. “I’m disappointed in you, really. I expected just a touch more resistance.”

“Like you’re any better!” Bellamy gestures towards him. “I mean, you’re the one who suggested going to the wedding in the first place.” He grins. “And I know exactly why. There’s only one person who can get you to actually want to go to a wedding without the only intention being to get laid.”

Murphy scoffs. “I’ll have you know that getting laid is very high in my intentions for this wedding. In fact, it is the only one.”

Bellamy only found out about how Raven and Murphy slept together for a solid three months after they both graduated. He told him one night once they’d finished their first week of working real adult jobs and got drunk as hell. In turn, he admitted that he and Clarke hooked up at a party a couple of weeks before graduation. 

Neither one of them has been back to Arkadia since, and don’t even know what the two are up to these days. Both Raven and Clarke deleted any social media for a solid two years after Bellamy and Murphy graduated. They’ve since returned, but with so much protection he’s never seen any of her posts. As much as Bellamy wants to follow Clarke on practically everything, he’s never had the guts to do it. Murphy’s the same. 

The wedding might give them another chance to hook up with them again. Though both of them don’t want to admit that they still want to, that they even still think about them. Especially after all these years. 

“Good to know you’re still a romantic,” Bellamy tells him. 

Murphy grins. “Who said anything about romance?”

Bellamy just raises his brows vaguely at that but doesn’t reply. He does stare down at the invitation before him. As much as he doesn’t want them to, his thoughts drift towards Clarke. What she’s been up to recently. What she’s doing. He’s not even ashamed to say he also wonders _who_ she’s been doing. And if possible, that could be him, at the wedding. If he’s lucky. 

He looks up and Murphy’s got the smuggest expression he’s ever seen on his face. “So, we’re going, right?”

Bellamy ticks his jaw, trying to hold out. In the end, he can’t. “Yeah,” he says, still thinking about Clarke’s laugh. The way she kissed him that night in Jasper and Monty’s apartment. “We’re going.”

* * *

“Madi!” Clarke calls. “You and Robin better get down here or you’ll be late for soccer practice!”

“Coming, god, don’t lose it yet!” her daughter shouts from the opening where the pole for the old firehouse comes down into their living room. 

Everyone thought her and Raven were crazy for selecting a beaten down building for their home, but they love it. 

Then Madi adds something in Tagalog, just loud enough for Clarke to hear so she knows it’s on purpose. While Bellamy might not be in her life, mostly because of the small, incidental detail that he has no idea she exists, Clarke decided to have her daughter learn the language. It felt important when she started pre-school. Still does. But usually these days Madi uses it to come with new ways of talking back. 

Clarke sighs, a little exhausted from the endless chaos of her life. They’re definitely going to be late. 

“Sorry Clarke!” comes from Robin. These days, Raven’s kid seems to respect her far more than her own. She wonders if it’s genetics or just the beginning of the Dreaded Teen Years, almost a year and a half early. 

Raven emerges from the kitchen with two travel mugs of coffee. “The ‘tude is reaching new levels.”

Clarke accepts one of the mugs and takes a long sip. “Oh, you have no idea.”

“Robin’s the same.” 

To that, Clarke snorts. 

“I’m serious,” Raven goes on. “Yesterday she asked me if I grew up with black and white movies. Black and white, Clarke! She’s becoming more and like,” her voice gets the usual quiet tone they both have whenever they discuss Madi and Robin’s dads when they’re in the house, “Murphy every day.”

“Yeah,” she returns at the same volume and nods. “I think Madi’s definitely got Blake written all over her teen years.”

Raven groans. “It’s gonna be hell.”

They’re serious for a moment before the two of them burst out laughing. “Okay, okay,” she relents. “They could be worse.”

Clarke has to agree with that. “I definitely was.” 

Raven clinks her coffee mug against her own. “Me too.”

Robin and Madi come sliding down the fireman's pole, faster than they're supposed to, and set off towards the door.

“Come on,” Madi calls over her shoulder. “Or we’ll be late.”

Clarke might kill her, just a little. She dismisses it for now though, shakes her head, and heads out. 

As difficult as her life is, and certainly has been in the past twelve or so years, she wouldn’t change any of it. She loves Madi more than she can ever articulate. She doesn’t regret the choices she’s had to make in order to keep her safe and (hopefully) happy. Raven feels the same. They’ve had that conversation before. In fact, they’ve had it multiple times. Each with the same conclusion. 

As long as Bellamy and Murphy never find out the truth, they’re golden. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/655N2Hp3cJLvd0lVHFJUQY?si=jmsm0wo5QHmwr5E_PauWzQ)


	2. Romance is Boring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies. here's an update for you. I'm so thankful for the lovely response to this fic so far. I read all your comments, and appreciate them more than I can ever say. 
> 
> this one leads to a reunion between Bellamy and Murphy and Clarke and Raven, as well as the guys meeting Robin and Madi.
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Romance is Boring' by Los Campesinos!*
> 
> feedback is always welcomed and loved, but please keep any hate to yourself. thank you again and sending all the love and good thoughts your way 💞💞💞

Harper and Monty’s wedding is going to be gorgeous and perfect and a freakin’ fairytale. Even if Raven has to kill someone to make it happen. Clarke will help her, she knows she will. If there’s anyone she wants to get help dumping a body from, it’s Clarke. Well, maybe Murphy, too, since he probably has experience with that kind of thing and—

She cuts off the thought before it can get any further than that. The last time she thought about Murphy was...Well, it’s best to not think about _that_ —especially at a wedding. The moment was far from pure and about love...It feels wrong, somehow. 

There’s no point anyway. Murphy’s doing his thing in New York, being single and an idiot and clueless that he’s the father of her child. And she’s doing her thing, raising said child. Robin’s amazing and she wouldn’t trade in her life for anything. It’s no big deal. 

Raven clears her throat and takes a sip from the drink Clarke put into her hand minutes ago. She can’t think about Murphy. Nothing good ever comes from it. What happened, happened. Any thoughts of him are best left in the past. 

Then she notices the centerpieces aren’t centered _at all_ and goes to find someone to punish and then oversee as they fix it. 

“You look amazing,” she tells Harper later on, once everything is nearly ready. They’re in the luxurious dressing room of the beachside inn where the wedding’s taking place. Getting the last touches before they walk down the aisle on the beach. 

“Is it too much?” Harper asks, gesturing to her dress, veil. The necklace Monty gave her for their first anniversary around her neck. 

Her look is expensive. Monty’s mom and dad insisted on it all while Harper’s family managed to show up for the most part. Both are more than anyone expected. But it’s elegant, a la Grace Kelly. 

“You look stunning,” Clarke says from where a punk-looking hairstylist is doing the finishing touches on her intricately braided hair. 

Raven’s hair is swept up into a ponytail, with a braid on the left side. Clarke’s is more of a half-up, half-down kind of thing. She’s not entirely sure. All that she knows is that they look damn good. Maybe not as good as Harper, but that tends to be the point. 

“Ready to sell away your soul?” Emori jokes from where she’s sipping at champagne. She’s leaning against a window, and Raven wonders if she isn’t debating jumping out of it and making a run for it. Wedding’s really aren’t her thing. 

“Oh, shut it,” Octavia snaps a little as she sweeps into the room. The dress Harper picked for the bridesmaids is, thankfully, very pretty. But it’s long and Grecian. Lots of drapery and fabric to spare. Octavia squeezes Harper’s shoulder. “Monty’s gonna pass out on the spot when he sees you.”

Harper rolls her eyes. “Only because the guys and Echo got him so drunk last night he can’t stand upright.”

“That may be,” Raven allows. “But it’ll be fun to witness no matter what.”

Harper laughs and the rest of them feel a bit relieved. When Monty and Harper told them they were getting married, they all immediately knew that if one of them was gonna make a run for it, it’d be her. Not that they were the kind of friends that joked about that kind of thing, of course. Because that would be _wrong_. 

Suspecting them, Harper rolls her eyes. “Cool it, alright? I’m not going to run for it like my Aunt Cathy. Besides, she eventually went back!” She adds with a snort, “Not to mention that getting the deposit back on the honeymoon would be a nightmare.”

Emori raises her glass. “Glad to know you’re doing this for the right reasons.” Octavia shoots her a loaded look and she shrugs. “What? I agree with her about the honeymoon thing.”

Raven intervenes before things can get a bit tense. Maybe Octavia’s taking her duty as the Head of Getting Harper Down the Aisle team member a bit too seriously. 

“I think we’re already late, so we better get a move on,” she says and grins down at Harper. “You ready?”

Harper nods, no hesitation. It fills Raven with such happiness, that her friend is so sure in her decision. This monumental step that will change everything for the rest of her life. So believing in the fact that she and Monty really will last until they’re old and gray and probably have the cutest kids in the world. It’s awful, but part of her can’t help but wonder how the hell she does it. She could try for ten lifetimes, and she knows, she’d never have that. Then again, she’s positive she can’t even get close, not with her life being dedicated to her daughter. It’s too much. Her and Clarke have tried before, and each time it ended in disaster. So, they made their choice, she reminds herself as they line up with the guys. 

As the familiar music plays and Jasper leads her down the aisle, she thinks to herself that she has so much to be thankful for. 

Raven has a good life. A full one. With friends and good times and a fantastic kid, even though she is a pain in the ass. She doesn’t need anything else. And she certainly doesn’t need—

_Murphy._

They’re almost halfway down the aisle when she thinks she sees him. At first, she’s able to convince herself it’s her imagination. Too much champagne. Not enough food. It’s true, she hasn’t eaten much, too busy bustling around the venue and the rest of her friends, making sure people were doing their jobs correctly. She risks a double-take though, and that’s when she realizes it really is him. In-person. After over twelve years. John Murphy. To make things even worse, he’s already looking at her. When they meet eyes, that little shit...He smirks at her. 

That makes her nearly fall on her ass.

Jasper catches her just in time. “You okay?” he whispers, concern in his tone.

She waves him off. It’s not even that big of a deal, but she senses Murphy’s laughter from across the rows of chairs on that damn beach. It hasn’t even been five seconds, and she already wants to kill him. Quickly, though. Because as soon as she recovers from seeing him, she spots Bellamy, too. God. They would come together. Looks like she and Clarke are gonna have to kill him too.

The alternative can’t happen. 

She makes a plan for two murders at some of her best friends' wedding. Possibly three, if Octavia knew they planned to come and didn’t tell them. A double, maybe triple, murder might not be the day Harper and Monty imagined, but oh well. Weddings never go off without a hitch anyway. 

All through the ceremony, Raven feels herself getting sick over the whole thing. She can’t focus on the no doubt beautiful (yet slightly corny) vows. For one second, she meets Clarke’s eye. The other reflects her own fear back. She’s seen them too. They were too comfortable, too at ease for too long. They should’ve anticipated it would all be destroyed eventually. But seriously? It has to be at Harper and Monty’s _wedding_? 

She hates them both. Really, truly, hates them. They probably don’t even know it, which only makes it worse. Usually, she prides herself on making sure the people she hates know it. Her throat gets all tight when she thinks about the last conversation she had with Murphy. He was so drunk she bets he doesn’t even remember it. But she sure as hell does. Enough to make the impossible decision to keep Robin from knowing a father. 

It sounds bad, she knows that. Sounds awful. But she really believed it was for the best, at the time. And by the time she considered even slightly different, it was too late. Now she has to live with her decisions, and the only thing she can think about is how to protect Robin when all of this inevitably blows up. 

She bets Clarke’s thinking the same thing, but her situation’s different. For one, Bellamy actually knew she was pregnant. Although, technically, not that it was his. Murphy never did know about her. Well, not sober, at least. Raven’s not only worried about herself and her own kid but Clarke and Madi as well. How they’ll navigate this too without everything being ruined between them forever. 

When they both found out they were pregnant, at nineteen and twenty, respectively, they stuck together. Their other friends, while understanding and offering help where they could, simply didn’t get it. The two of them moved in together. Built a life together. It’s a weird life, maybe. But she loves it. Now that life’s coming crashing down around them. 

As soon as the ceremony is over, she’s too busy helping Harper pee and getting ready for the reception to think much about it. Let alone speak to Clarke about what the hell they’re gonna do. She’s grateful for the tasks in front of her. It keeps her hands from shaking with rage and fear and something she doesn’t have a name for yet. 

Once Harper is with Monty at the door to the ballroom, where they’ll make their first entrance as a couple, Raven and Clarke finally have a moment. 

“What the actual fuck?” Clarke starts.

Good. They can skip the semantics.

Raven sucks on her teeth. “I didn’t even know they _invited_ them.”

“Why did they invite them?” Clarke shakes her head as if she’s still trying to convince herself it’s real. “Don’t they know this is a total batshit move? I mean, what if we brought the kids to the ceremony like we originally planned?”

Raven didn’t even consider that until she brought it up. She’s gonna throw up before the night is over, she knows it. And not from the champagne. 

Then Octavia comes over, bearing two drinks.

“Here,” she says, raising them a little. “Two _extremely_ strong whiskey sodas. I figured you guys could use it.”

Clarke takes her immediately and takes a long sip, almost draining the glass halfway. 

Raven refuses hers though. She crosses her arms over her chest and demands, “Did you know? Did you know the two of them were coming? Did it just slip your mind while you and Lincoln were frolicking around the beach yesterday because I swear—”

Octavia quirks an eyebrow and Raven falls silent. “No, I didn’t know.” She leans in closer. “You really think I wouldn’t tell you if I did?” She pauses. “This is so fucked up.”

Clarke snorts and gestures with a hand. “So? So doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

Octavia gives Raven the drink, a little pointedly. “Trust me, you’re gonna want it later.”

Raven makes a face but takes a pull from the drink. Her eyes widen a little. Octavia wasn’t kidding about the strong part. “But what are _we_ gonna do?” she asks them, looking from one to the other. 

To this, it seems Octavia doesn’t have a solution. 

Clarke considers her question for a moment and takes a breath. Raven hopes her plan is good. It has to be if they’re going to pull this off. 

“Look, Madi and Robin are with Gaia, right? I’ll text them and say there’s been a change in plans, and they’re not going to come to the reception after all. If I have to, I’ll say Monty’s turned into groomzilla. God knows he deserves it, inviting both of them.” She nods, becoming more resolute as she continues, “So, we just have to make it through this one night. Then they’ll go back to New York and everything can continue on as it has.”

Raven admires her friend’s belief, she does. But she can’t help but think that plan is far too good to be true. The two of them have never had the best of luck. She can’t see why that would change now. Even when they definitely need it the most. 

Octavia thinks it’ll work. “Exactly. I’ll make the rounds, make sure no one mentions Robin and Madi to them. Ever. In fact, I’ll put the fear of God into anyone that even thinks of bringing them up. Period.”

Raven can’t even articulate the bad feeling correctly, so she stays silent. 

Octavia puts her hand in between the three of them. Clarke lays hers on top. Raven rolls her eyes but adds her own. “Go, team,” Octavia whispers and throws her hand up a little. 

“Go, team,” they both reply. 

Clarke turns to Raven once Octavia has taken off to perform her much-needed task. “This is gonna be fine. Okay? Just...fine.”

“Yeah.” She nods. “It’ll work.” Clarke goes to walk away, but Raven stops her. “It’s going to work.”

Clarke opens her mouth, seemingly to argue, but instead, she swallows and agrees. 

And for a while, it does. Raven and Clarke are at the head table, and Bellamy and Murphy are all the way towards the back right of the ballroom. For an hour or so while they eat, she almost forgets that they’re there at all. But then dinner ends, and so does the first dance, and all there’s left is the party part. 

Raven and Clarke clink their glasses together over by the bar. She didn’t even bother counting how many it’s been. They don’t usually have this much to drink, but she figures it’s okay, given the circumstances. 

“I can’t believe we’re actually gonna pull this off.” Clarke grins. “I really didn’t think it would work.”

Raven laughs, feeling the tension ease of her muscles. Her leg suddenly feels better than it has all night. “Yet you were the one that came up with it.”

Clarke shrugs. “It’s a plan. Never said it was a perfect one.”

Raven sighs contentedly and takes a drink. “We really are too good.” Sure, it’s a little overly congratulatory, but she deserves this, after the day she’s had. 

And then everything goes to hell. 

“Couldn’t agree more,” Bellamy says, all casual confidence that he’s had since the day Raven met him. 

“Though,” Murphy adds from beside him. “I have to admit we’re pretty good, too.”

Bellamy gives Clarke a once-over, and she nearly chokes on her drink. Raven pats her back a little. 

She turns her attention to man-children before her. “Did New York kick you out for the night or something? Or are you just being generous and giving those seven million people a break for once?”

It’s not her strongest retort, but she’s pretty sure she’s in shock. Why are they here? And why are they talking to them? And why are they looking at them like _that_ , like they want to—Oh, fuck her, she thinks. 

They’re here to get _laid_. 

She wants to laugh at the absolute ridiculousness of the situation. But she swallows it down and instead exchanges a look with Clarke. She’s a bit more stunned than Raven, but then something clicks as she looks at Bellamy. 

“Maybe they’re here because no woman in the city would touch them with a ten-foot pole. Or for a rent-controlled apartment,” she adds, smirking at Raven. “Too bad they’re out of luck here. The only wild cousin of Harper’s who came is gay as fuck.”

Bellamy shrugs like he’s been expecting her comment. “It’s not Harper’s cousins I’m interested in.” He comes up to the bar and orders a scotch before he looks back at her. “Though, really, Clarke, is this any way to treat someone from your youth?”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Only the ones you’d rather left behind.”

Bellamy’s not deterred, though. If anything, he looks pleased. Which she’s sure pisses Clarke right off. 

Raven remembers how bad it was between Clarke and Bellamy, back in college. It’s a miracle the two ever stopped goading one another to actually make a kid. She clears the thought from her mind. Must not think of Robin or Madi, not right now. Who knows what these two assholes would do if she slips up for even a fraction of a second. 

Clarke and Bellamy get into it before Raven can intervene. That allows Murphy to make his move and pounce on her. He doesn’t literally. But it sure feels like it. Raven sometimes forgets what he’s like, and grows wistful of a different life. But any notions of that go away as soon as he opens his mouth. 

“Wanna bet how long this marriage actually lasts?” He leans in and grins. 

She recoils and gives him a disgusted look. “You’re vile, please, go bother someone else.”

“Tempting,” he pretends to consider it. “But no, I’d much rather bother you. Besides, like half of you guys haven’t been thinking about it since this whole mess started. I saw Harper earlier, and,” he tsks his tongue against his teeth, “I’d say she’s this close to making a run for it.”

“Did you say anything to her?” Raven snaps, narrowing her eyes. “If you destroy this wedding, I will end you.”

He raises his hands in defeat. “Worry not. I haven’t spoken to her or Monty the whole night.” He nods to Bellamy. “Been hyping this one up.”

Raven looks over at where Clarke has a hand on her hip, glowering up at Bellamy, who’s matching her stare with one of his own. 

“As if that is ever happening again,” she says, and then immediately wishes that she hadn’t. Raven sighs and swallows down the urge to retreat. That will only make Murphy latch onto it more. Not that he doesn’t already. 

“So she admitted to it?” Murphy shakes his head. “Didn’t think she would. Then again, she would share it with you.”

Raven shoots him a cool look. “Like screwing someone twelve years ago means anything.”

He does falter a little then, and something like satisfaction settles over her. She raises a brow. For one blissful moment, she thinks he’s going to leave her alone. Instead, he turns a little sheepish. Well, sheepish for _him_. 

“You really think there’s no hope for him?” He looks back over at Bellamy and Clarke, but Raven senses he’s not only talking about Bellamy’s chances. 

She realizes she doesn’t want to completely rub it in with the amount of cruelty she knows she could, so she takes a sip from her drink. “I mean, anything’s possible,” she finds herself saying. Chiding herself for being such an idiot, she’s surprised when he doesn’t immediately make some gross comment. 

Her thoughts drift to a wholly upsetting place she thought she’d rooted out her mind by now. One where Murphy wasn't so much himself and she had a different kind of life. She needs to get a grip. Who knows what the hell she’s gonna say next. She needs to shut this down, seriously. But she can’t help but want to keep talking to him, even if it’s only to pretend her life’s something else than the reality. 

Then he ruins it entirely. 

“I guess this is the part where I tell you that you look nice,” he says, letting his eyes linger all over her body. 

Raven’s mood sours. All ideas of continuing the conversation go out of her mind without a second thought. She isn’t in the mood to be flirted with anymore. Especially not by Murphy. Of all the people that could’ve crawled their way back to Arkadia, it had to be him. It’s as if someone’s playing a cosmic joke on her. She risks a glance over at Clarke. The cosmic joke seems to be on both of them tonight. 

“Shut up,” she fires back. He takes it in stride, and she goes on, “I always look nice. So that’s not even a real compliment. Not that you even know how to do that in a non-creepy way.”

“Course it’s not a real compliment, was just stating a fact.” He follows that up with the ever-classic, “Can I buy you a drink?” He clarifies, “In a non-creepy way, of course.”

“It’s an open bar,” she replies, shaking her own glass to demonstrate she doesn’t need another one. Not from him, at least. “You _can’t_ buy me a drink.”

“Ah, touché my friend,” he says, backing up towards the bar. She follows, if only because now she really wants him to know how little of a chance he has with her tonight. 

“How so?” she asks, raising her brows. She gestures to the bar.

“Because,” he sidles back up to her. “I happen to be an amazing tipper.”

She shoots back with, “And I’m sure the strippers all across New York are so appreciative of that.”

He grins. “They are.” And then he points a finger at her, which she makes a point of rolling her eyes at. “See? You missed this. I can tell. Admit it, you missed me. Just a little.”

“You wish I missed you.” She leans on the bar. 

He orders for her, which she thinks about throttling him for. “Mojito for my friend here,” and he puts special emphasis on friend and she pretends to ignore it. “And I’ll take a Jack and Coke.”

“You remember my favorite drink?” she asks, frowning. Why the hell would he do that? It’s not like they ever meant anything to one another. It’s not as if there was something real between them. 

“Maybe I do wish you missed me,” he says. Like it’s nothing. As if he doesn’t even care what he’s admitting too. She’s about to come up with a quick retort when their drinks arrive.

She sips at hers, and dammit, it’s really good. 

Raven considers her options, she could walk away or tell him to fuck off. Instead, she deadpans, “Damn, you wanna get laid that bad, huh?” She avoids his eye and takes another drink. “Guess the women of the city really have rebelled against you and Bellamy.”

Her half-insult doesn’t seem to even impact him. “No big deal.” He gives her an easy smile. “And maybe it’s not the getting laid part that interests me the most.”

Scoffing, she replies, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone and fallen in love with me? Though I can’t blame you, I gotta say it’s not going to happen.”

“That’s what you said every time. And then you’d call or text or hunt me down at a party. Remember?”

The look he’s giving her is all heat and she hates that part of her wants to encourage it. It’s been so long since she had someone. As much as she wishes it was someone else, it’d be too easy to fall back into old habits. Even after so many years. Then the reality of what she’s imagining comes barreling into her mind. _What the hell is she thinking?_ She almost yells at herself. 

Damn him. She should’ve just walked away, leaving him in the past where he clearly belongs. 

“How could I forget my own destruction of my junior year?” She adds, “Don’t go complimenting yourself Murphy, you’ll only be disappointed when I don’t follow through.”

He takes a sip from his glass and doesn’t buy it, she can tell. It makes her fume. Why can’t he just listen to her for once? 

“We’ll see about the following through part.” She’s going to murder him. It doesn’t matter if Madi and Robin aren’t here. She’ll do it anyway. 

Before she can reply, and it would’ve been a brilliant one, she’s sure, Clarke comes storming over and pulls her by the arm in the opposite direction.

“Bye, Dick Weasel!” Clarke shoots over her shoulder. 

“Bye, Princess,” Bellamy returns, which almost has smoke coming out of Clarke’s ears. 

Marching away, Clarke mutters to herself. Something about “asshole” and “thinks he can just come back here” and “arrogant little shit”. Raven doesn’t ask if she wants to expand on that. Once they reach the other side of the ballroom, they grab two champagne glasses off of the tray of a passing waiter. They down them almost as soon as they’re in their hands. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Raven asks.

Clarke gives her an incredulous look. “Not even a little. Do you?”

She shakes her head rapidly. “Not a chance in hell.”

Raven figures she can share her plan for her grand murder of them later on. First, she wants to dance. 

“Come on,” she inclines her head toward the dance floor. “Let’s have some fun.”

Most of their friends are already out there. Monty and Jasper attempting the robot while Harper and Maya make fun of them by doing a pretty accurate impression. Echo’s spinning Emori around and doing a dramatic dip. Octavia's doing the lawnmower and Lincoln is pretending to not be completely enamored with it. Miller’s an actually good dancer opposed to most of their friends, and Jackson looks a bit in awe of his husband. Those two didn’t have a huge wedding, just a courthouse ceremony and a family dinner after. Leave it to her friends having a fancy wedding for her life to almost go down in shambles. 

Clarke purses her lips together but eventually relents. Raven knows she likes to dance and have fun, even if she pretends for a second she has better things to do or some other crap like that. But this is still a wedding, despite Bellamy and Murphy being there. They deserve to enjoy themselves. 

For an hour or so, they do. They dance with friends and laugh and have a great time. Raven knows Clarke’s already planning to have a long talk with Harper and Monty about their choice in wedding guests, but for now, it can wait.

Because they’ve done it. They made it through the night with their secret still intact. There’s nothing that could possibly—

And then Raven looks over near the bar, where Bellamy and Murphy still are lurking. They’ve got these amused expressions on their faces. It takes a second for her to accept what she’s seeing is really happening. Once it registers though, she can see they’re not alone. In front of them, to her absolute and complete horror, are Robin and Madi. 

* * *

When the two kids approached, Murphy figures they’re trying to play some kind of lame joke on him and Bellamy. Or they ran out of people to annoy. Regardless, he doesn’t get why they selected him and Bellamy as their next targets. The two of them have a mission to get Raven and Clarke to sleep with them that night. They can’t be distracted by a couple of random people’s little girls. 

Instead of saying any kid crap though, one of them, who has tons of freckles and dark hair and vaguely reminds him of a hobbit, demands, “Who the hell are you?”

Bellamy and Murphy exchange a look.

“Who the hell are _you?_ ” Murphy returns. Because he’s mature like that. 

“She asked you first, weirdo,” the second girl replies, flipping her brown ponytail off of her shoulder. 

There’s something familiar about the glare she gives him that he can’t quite place. Before he can think about it too much though, Bellamy jumps in. 

“I thought little kids weren’t allowed at this wedding,” he says.

The one with the glare rolls her eyes. “We’re not little. And we were invited. Were you?”

“We’re almost twelve,” adds the second girl. “Plus, our sitter had an emergency. We _have_ to be here.”

“I think the fact that you still require a babysitter makes you little.” Bellamy snorts. “Look, whatever questions about the big wide world you have, we’re not the ones you should be talking to.”

Murphy agrees. “So run along,” he motions with his hand, “go ask someone else to play Barbie with you.”

The two girls look at one another as if they’re deciding something. Once they do, they turn back to the two of them. They give them a matching look so icy he doesn’t understand how they manage it. And especially at eleven. 

The girl with the freckles tells them, “If you don’t tell us who you are, then we’re gonna get our moms. They’re even scarier than us. And they’ll kick you out of here for wedding crashing.”

“And being overall buttheads,” adds the other girl. 

“Who even are you people?” Murphy gets out, more to Bellamy than either one of the girls.

“She’s Madi,” says the one, pointing to the girl beside her with her thumb.

“And she’s Robin.” Madi folds her arms across her chest. “Now, tell us who the hell you are.”

“Not a chance,” Bellamy dismisses. 

They think that Madi and Robin will quit it and give up and go torture someone else. But apparently, the two girls have chosen them, and aren’t budging. 

“I guess I’m surprised that you don’t wanna play Barbie,” Madi tells them. “Given that you two look about as fake as Ken.”

To that Murphy’s offended. So what they put on some cologne and nice suits? They are trying to get girls who apparently still loathe them into bed. 

“Nice one,” Robin snorts. They do a weird high-five that has him thinking of Jasper and Monty, except they put their own spin on it, pulling in at their joined hands, finishing with waving their fingers a little. “And we really will get our moms, that’s not an empty threat.”

“Oooh,” Bellamy replies, condescendingly. “You’re gonna get your mommy? We’re so scared.”

Murphy nods. “Yeah, Bellamy, I bet Karen and Marie are really gonna put the fear of God in us.”

Murphy can’t believe this is actually happening to them. They came to this stupid wedding to have sex, and instead, they’re getting into a fight with children. Seriously, this should not be his life. It’s certainly not the night he planned. He’d thought at this point, he’d be dancing with Raven, demonstrating that she should definitely sleep with him. 

This would happen to them, he thinks. Just their fucking luck. 

Madi screws up her face. “They’re not named anything like _that_.” And Robin just tsks her tongue. As if they’ve done something to disappoint her. 

“Then what’re their names?” Murphy asks. “Because I’d love to talk to the women who raised such _sweet_ children.”

“Clarke,” Madi says.

“And Raven Reyes,” Robin adds, sticking out her chin. "Do you know them or are you really wedding crashing?"

Murphy thinks they’re joking. That this is some ridiculous prank Jasper’s playing on them. He has a thing for them, after all. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Robin asks Bellamy and Murphy realizes that he must have a dumbfounded look on his face. To his horror, he can’t make it go away, either. 

“Did we break him?” Madi cuts a look at Murphy, and there’s a satisfied glint in her eye. 

He gapes at them and then Bellamy chokes, which makes both Madi and Robin smirk so smug it makes him think of himself. And Bellamy. 

The thought speeds its way into his mind, spins around, and explodes. There’s no way, he tries to tell himself. Absolutely not. But the girls are eleven. When had been the last time he and Raven slept together? April? May? It’s now April. What’s four or five-plus-nine? It’s been a little over twelve years. They’re eleven...He’s gonna be sick. But they used condoms. It can’t have happened. It’s impossible. Maybe not impossible, but definitely unfeasible. He wants to interrogate the girls about it all, but then Clarke and Raven are there. 

“Girls.” Raven smiles and interrupts the moment. “Why don’t you go dance, okay?” Murphy can tell by her tone though, that it’s not really a suggestion. 

He never thought he’d hear her sounding like that. Like such a... _Mom_. 

Madi opens her mouth to protest, but Clarke cuts her off. “Go have fun.” She gives her a tight, ultimately uncomfortable smile. 

Madi and Robin walk off slowly, rolling their eyes, but they do eventually go to the dance floor and join Jasper where he’s trying to do what looks like the worm. 

Murphy doesn’t have the words, but Bellamy does, so at least he’s covered.

“You have a kid?” he demands. Then he looks at Raven. “And you have a kid?”

“Stunning critical-thinking skills there,” Clarke says. “Really. What a mind.”

“Well, he might be better off if it wasn’t so occupied by his ego,” Raven tells her. 

They both grin a bit and Murphy suddenly sees the resemblance between Clarke and Madi and Raven and Robin. It makes him feel faint. 

“We want answers.” Murphy stares down Raven, stomping his foot a little, which he only registers as pathetic after the fact. She relents. 

“Fine, fine.” She looks over at Clarke, who nods.

Raven pulls Murphy off to the side and begins to explain, “Look, a couple of weeks after we last hooked up, I slept with someone else. No, I am not telling you who it is. Because it’s none of your goddamn business. But she’s not yours, okay? So, you can stop looking like you’re gonna puke all over me now. That would be great.”

Murphy’s too stunned to properly put a sentence together. He finds he’s mostly shocked out of pure relief though. “You sure?” He has to be absolutely positive though, even if he knows Raven doesn’t have a reason to lie. 

“Yes,” she replies. “You are not Robin’s dad. Now, go back to being smarmy with Bellamy. I don’t want to keep you.” Then she gives him one last pointed look and goes to join her daughter on the dance floor. 

Murphy lets out a breath. He just dodged a massive bullet, there. Not a bullet, really. A freight train. He is one lucky guy. 

* * *

“What the hell?” Bellamy asks. He swallows down the urge to pass out or throw up. This can’t be happening. It just can’t. It was one hook-up. “Clarke is she—” He can’t even finish the thought. It’s too daunting. 

But then Clarke _laughs_ and a bit of the tension in the moment goes out. “Bellamy, no.” She almost cackles. “I told you I was pregnant, remember? Well…” she gestures with a hand. “What do you think happens?”  
  


He shakes his head. “I never thought—”

“What?” She juts out her chin. “That I would keep it?” 

A bit of rage boils behind her eyes. He feels bad, he does. But he really did figure she got an abortion. It would’ve made sense, given that she was still in college and smart and practically had the world at her feet. 

She continues, “Well, I did. And we’re doing great, alright? So it’d be amazing if you stopped bullying my kid at a freaking wedding.”

He turns sheepish and sticks his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

She gives a slight grin and he feels like she’s holding back something, but doesn’t want to push. Not when he’s now thinking about the last conversation they had. How awful it’d been. Really, how awful _he’d_ been. 

“It’s okay,” she says. Raven calls for her to come dance and she smiles for real. “Better go.” 

“It was good seeing you,” Bellamy can’t help but tell her before she goes.

She huffs. “It wasn’t horrible, seeing you, I suppose.” Raven shouts again and she laughs. “Bye, Bellamy.”

“Bye,” he replies, but she’s already gone. 

He can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of contentment. Thank god he’s not that kid’s dad. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. Not to mention, after raising O, he really enjoys being free from almost all responsibility. Still, if Clarke needs to let off some steam from the stress of her life, maybe he could be that for her. He is moving back to Arkadia, after all. 

Anything can happen. 

* * *

“What the hell were you two thinking?” Clarke whispers, glaring at Harper and Monty mid-dance. 

Harper pauses and frowns. “What do you mean?”

Raven ticks her jaw. “Inviting Bellamy and Murphy? I mean, are you guys cruel or just dumb?”

Harper’s eyes go wide. “They came?”

“Yep,” Clarke replies, “and they met Madi and Robin.”

“Oh, shit,” Monty lets out.

Raven points a finger at him. “Yes, ‘oh, shit,’ is right.”

Harper starts rambling, “I’m sorry, okay? We felt it was weird to not at least send an invite, but you have to believe me, never in a million years did I think they’d actually show. I mean, it’s Bellamy and Murphy. They’re usually only in for this kind of thing to get laid.”

Clarke takes a breath and holds up a hand. She might be pissed, but she knows that she can never stay mad at Harper and Monty for long. “It’s fine. We squashed any idea that they might be, well, you know, like the disgusting bug it is.”

Harper breathes out a sigh of relief and Monty swallows. 

“We really are sorry,” he says, and Clarke believes him. 

“It’s…” Raven trails off. “Well, I won’t say it’s okay, but you know what? Maybe it’s for the best. This way, they’ll never suspect anything. They will return to New York and never wonder about us or what happened years ago again.”

Clarke agrees. “Exactly, they probably won’t ever come back to Arkadia.”

“Who’s never coming back to Arkadia?” Jasper asks as he comes over to them. Drink number god knows what in hand. 

“Bellamy and Murphy, thank god,” Clarke says.

Jasper frowns and his eyes go wide with horror. “Oh, no no no no no no. I was supposed to come warn you guys about that.”

Raven narrows her eyes. “About what?”

Jasper looks intensely guilty and bites down on his whole lower lip, looking like he might cry. “Bellamy and Murphy are moving back to Arkadia at the end of the month.”

Raven and Clarke speak at the same time. “ _Are you fucking kidding me_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/655N2Hp3cJLvd0lVHFJUQY?si=ZXyDNdkqTf-reMmUGKxYWw)


	3. Do the Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, loves! here's an update for you—this one includes a family dinner, some ill-timed flirting, and a cliffhanger. 
> 
> thank you so, so much for the lovely response this fic has received so far. it really means more than I can ever express. I read all your amazing comments and am so appreciative. you're truly the best. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Do The Panic' by Phantom Planet*
> 
> sending all the love and good thoughts to you all 💞💞💞

Bellamy and Murphy’s move to Arkadia goes pretty well. Mostly because they were getting rid of almost all of their crap from New York. It feels strange, leaving the half-built life Bellamy constructed during his more than ten years in the city. Like he never even should’ve been there in the first place. Or that there was a piece of him who never left Arkadia in the first place, that had just been waiting for him to return. 

He mentions this to Murphy, who nods and sips at his beer in their now near-empty apartment. “I get that. I mean, we were young and had all these ideas about who we’re gonna be.” Murphy shrugs and adds, “Never thought I’d be looking forward to Arkadia, but at least there you can afford takeout and beer without feeling like you’re forking over a piece of your liver in exchange.”

Bellamy agrees with him. But it’s more than just the money for him. Yes, a major pull of Arkadia is that he and Murphy can actually afford to finally start their own restaurant there (Bellamy front of the house while Murphy runs the kitchen). Achieving their dreams is something they always strove for here, but never actually managed to get. Now that it’s finally happening, he can’t be bothered that it’s in his old college city instead of the one that’s “center of the universe”. 

Another part, one that maybe he doesn’t even want to admit to himself, is he didn’t become the person he always imagined he would in the city. That he never changed that much, or got the legacy he thought he would. It’s hard to be reminded of that every day, as he goes to work managing someone else’s restaurant, making their dreams come true instead of his own. 

He is gonna miss getting laid so easily though. 

That thought leads him down a windy road that ultimately has ended in the same place during the two weeks since Harper and Monty’s wedding. Clarke. As much as he wants to push her out of his mind, accepting that maybe even he isn’t skilled enough to pull off sleeping with her again, he can’t. Half of it’s all ego, sure. But there’s another half he’s a little scared to touch. Because he knows there’s no real future there. Not that he wants one. Sex? Yes. But an actual life? With her kid, no less? No way. Bellamy long ago decided he wasn’t the kid type after he raised O and that blew up in both of their faces. So while it might be tempting to let his mind drift to blonde hair and blue eyes and the way she glares at him (like no one else ever has) he knows there’s nothing that will ever come from it. 

Okay, well, maybe that’s not entirely true since he did friend her on Facebook. He figures out of everything, it’s the least intense option. She hasn’t responded, which he’s decided to take as her not checking her account very often.

The day of the move, Murphy and him clamber into the van they rented to haul their shit since it’s not like either one of their rides can manage this kind of trip. As they get ready to take off, leaving their regrets and wasted dollars behind, he glances at his phone again, unable to resist checking to see if she accepted his friend request yet. 

Beside him, Murphy snorts. “Give it up. She doesn’t wanna talk to you, let alone make a grand, regretful, return to One-Night-Stand City. If she hasn’t replied by now, I’d say it’s time to accept defeat.”

Bellamy shrugs and shoves his phone into the cup holder. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Murphy raises a brow, amused, so he goes on, “Because given that Raven still hasn’t accepted your Instagram request, which you’ve been checking five times a day since, I’d be careful which judgments you choose to dole out right now.”

“Asshole,” Murphy grumbles but halts his teasing. 

Bellamy gives him a grin. “Please. You saw them at that wedding. They’ve got kids, and they’ve been single for years, according to Jasper.” He shakes his head. “Even if they think they don’t want anything to do with us, I give it a month before they cave.” He coughs. “And if they don’t, whatever.”

“You’re right,” Murphy allows. “I mean seriously, Raven needs to relax, and the best thing about me? I won’t need her to call me the next day.”

Bellamy nods. “Exactly.”

“But, you know,” he clears his throat. “They’re only two chicks. So, really, who cares?”

“Not us,” Bellamy says. And he almost believes it. 

It turns out being back in Arkadia brings up lots of memories of college. For one, almost all of their friends stayed in the city, which means they all still hang out. He keeps trying to run into Clarke again, but eventually, he figures out she might be actively avoiding him. 

The chaos of the new restaurant keeps him busy, much more than he thought. The work’s not bad though. Just the opposite. Still, It’s not until three weeks into living there, when Murphy and Bellamy are getting drinks with Monty and Jasper, that he sees an opening to see Clarke again. He tells himself it’s not a big deal, but he doesn’t remember the last time he put in this much effort for sex. 

“There’s a game on Saturday. Thinking about trying to get some tickets,” Murphy tells them. “There’s a guy who already loves the restaurant who gets season passes or something insufferable like that, but, figures it’s worth talking to him if we can get good seats.”

“You’re not the one who actually had to talk to him for forty-five minutes,” Bellamy reminds him. He turns to Monty and Jasper. “But are you guys in? If we can swing it, we should try to invite Miller and Jackson.” He pauses. “And I guess Lincoln, too.”

He’s trying to repair things with O, and she’s made it clear that part of that is also meeting up with Lincoln and having some absurd amount of ‘bonding’ time together.

Monty and Jasper exchange a look. Bellamy knows what that means. They’ve got plans. With Raven and Clarke, or, at least one of them. He rolls his eyes. This isn’t the first time the rest of his college friends have gotten in the way of the four of them being in the same room again. He doesn’t get it. Do Raven and Clarke really hate them that much? Well, maybe that has some truth to it. But he thought, for a minute there, at the wedding, that he and Clarke had been almost flirting. Bellamy knows he could’ve just read too much into it, but he didn’t think that he was. 

He leans back in the booth and almost demands, “What is the big deal about me and Murphy hanging out with you guys when they’re around?” 

He looks at Murphy, who nods and asks, “Must we continuously be trapped in our lives of twelve years ago?”

Monty opens his mouth to retort, probably something along the same lines of crap they’ve already been given by everyone else. Something about the past and uncomfortable situations. Whatever. It doesn’t make any sense. Maybe things would’ve been a bit contentious between him and Clarke due to their last conversation before he graduated, but he thought they made good at the wedding. As much as the two of them could make good, at least. 

“If you give us some bullshit excuse, I will hurt you,” Murphy adds around a smirk that’s more than a little menacing. 

He would think it’s a bit much, but every damn time he’s hung out with one of his old college friends, and fuck, even his own sister on one occassion, they go out of their way to avoid the topic of Clarke and Raven. It’s as if they’re trying to keep their whole lives a secret. Well, he isn’t about to go down that easy, and he knows Murphy isn’t either. 

Monty and Jasper seem to have one of their silent conversations. The ones only beings from other planets could understand. Finally, they seem to agree on an answer. 

“They’re having this dinner thing,” Jasper starts. “It’s a family kind of thing. Not at all your scene, you know? I mean, their daughters will be there and probably no booze so I doubt you two would be—”

Bellamy doesn’t let him get any further, and interrupts, “Say no more. Sounds exactly like something we would both enjoy the fuck out of,” even though he’s pretty sure it’s the opposite. He keeps on going, “We’d love nothing more than to come.”

Murphy sips his beer, self-congratulatory, and rubbing in the fact that they got them to surrender so easily. It’s maybe a bit much. “Thank you for inviting us,” he tips his head. “We really appreciate it since you didn’t have to. But we’ll definitely be there. What time does it start?”

“And which one of their places is it at?” he follows, maybe with a certain amount of smugness to his own voice that’s a little much, even for him. 

Monty shakes his head. “You guys don’t get it. I _really_ don’t think it’ll go well. I can’t let you guys show up there. It would be...Bad.” 

Bellamy looks over at Murphy, who narrows his eyes. 

“You know who doesn’t know enough Jasper stories from college?” Bellamy asks, pretending to have stumbled upon a previously unknown, brilliant thought. 

“Who?” Murphy feigns interest and intrigue. 

Bellamy grins at Jasper. “Maya,” he says, slowly, to really lay it on thick. 

“You’re right.” Murphy joins in and points a finger at Jasper. “Ah, no. The things we could tell her. I mean, it would send most girls running. But Maya seems like the type to be able to handle it.”

“This is just cruel,” Monty replies, disgust in his voice, but they have him, he knows it. “You know how long it took Jasper to actually find someone who likes to play DnD with him.”

“We do,” Bellamy tells them. 

“Which is why it would be tragic, really, for that relationship to go south.” Murphy grins and gives Jasper one last lingering glare. He gives in seconds later. 

“Fine, fine, just stop looking at us like that and threatening the only serious girlfriend I’ve ever had!” Jasper exclaims. He sighs. “The dinner’s gonna be at their place.”

“Their place?” Murphy repeats. Then, he laughs as it dawns on him, and so does Bellamy, once he realizes it, too. He can’t believe it, really. But that’s not exactly true. This is exactly the kind of thing they’d do. “They live together? Like roommates? They’re adult women with kids. I can’t believe this.”

“Says the two men in their thirties who live together,” Monty shoots back, which, he guesses they can’t really argue against. 

Bellamy frowns as something occurs to him that he never thought of. “Wait, are Clarke and Raven, you know…?”

That would explain why neither one of them had accepted their requests on social media as if they wanted nothing to do with them. Why they seem intent on not sleeping with either one of them. It would make a lot of sense. As much as he tells himself it doesn’t matter, he can’t help but feel a bit deflated that Clarke might be taken. 

“No,” Monty replies. Bellamy feels a relief course through him, but he doesn’t know why he cares so much. Clarke’s hot and he likes to rile her up, but that’s it. “They’re not together, but I still am telling you that you don’t wanna go to this thing. They don’t want you to go. And I don’t think—”

“Enough,” Murphy finishes for him, holding up a hand. “We’re coming. You caved and we won. Suck it up. So, you’re gonna give us the time and the place, and if you try to sabotage us, we’ll make sure Jasper dies alone.” At that, both of them paled a bit. 

“And next round’s on you two,” Bellamy says, gesturing with his drink. 

Clarke and Raven might _think_ that they don’t want them around, but he’s betting him and Murphy can change their minds in only one night. Even if said night involves two annoying kids and a sorry lack of alcohol. They’ve gone through worse in the name of getting some. They’ve got this. 

It occurs to Bellamy as they make their way over to Clarke and Raven’s place on 7th and Gerard, that they do not, in fact, got this. 

For one, Murphy’s so nervous he might be sweating. Which he can’t remember the last time he ever did. And secondly, he might be a little bit nervous, too. Which he doesn’t remember ever being. Not about women, at least. It’s weird, the tension practically palpable in their Uber. He doesn’t know if he should bring it up or just ignore it. At first, he goes for ignoring it. But the drive through the city isn’t that long, and it gets worse the closer they get. 

It’s Murphy who acknowledges it first. 

“The hell is wrong with us?” he demands as if Bellamy has been withholding the answer the whole time. 

“I don’t know,” he admits lamely as the car takes a turn down a street, getting nearer and nearer to their destination. He rubs his palms together and scoffs at himself. They need to get a grip before they get there. 

“We’ve already slept with them, why are we acting like twelve-year-olds?” Murphy shakes his head. “I think I felt more confident going into my first middle school dance at the Arkadia Jewish Community Center with Rebecca Goldman as my date.”

Bellamy looks over at him and Murphy scoffs. 

“Whatever.” Murphy shakes his head. “Like you’re any better.”

“I’m fine,” he says. If only he sounded even the slightest bit sure of it. 

He looks back out the window, watching the neighborhood as they go past. It’s nice. Lots of kids and babies in strollers and shit. Little coffee shops and not many bars. Not at all the kind of place he’d want to live in, especially in this city. 

They ask their driver to stop a little ways away from their place. An old firehouse that Jasper says is the coolest thing he’s ever seen. They thank her and pause before making their way down the street toward Clarke and Raven’s. 

As they stand in front of the metal door, Bellamy rolls his shoulders. Murphy cracks his neck. They’re kind of disasters, really. Not that he even knows _why._ It’s just their college friends. It’s just Clarke. She’ll probably insult him and then ignore him all night. Though, he smiles a little to himself, he doubts she’ll be able to manage that completely given that he’ll be in _her_ house. 

It’s not like this is a big deal or anything, though.

“You gonna ring the doorbell or do you need another pep talk?” Murphy asks. “Perhaps this one should include how pretty you are. Particularly in Henleys. My apologies for not including more pictures of you in the Powerpoint from earlier.”

Bellamy glares at him and shoves at his shoulder. “Fuck off.”

Murphy gestures to the doorbell and Bellamy rolls his eyes before reaching out and pressing the button. 

Moments later, it opens. It’s Madi. 

“Oh.” Her voice is flat and she looks at them critically, as if assessing if they’re even allowed in the house. 

He wonders if she might just bar them from entry on the spot. He wouldn’t put it past her.

She adds, “It’s you two.”

Murphy narrows his eyes. “Look, Hobbit, we don’t have time for your petty little game. Let us in.”

Madi sighs, as if disappointed in them for something. She says, “If you must,” and then steps aside to make room for them to enter the house. 

Up a winding staircase, probably where the kitchen is, he can hear Clarke laughing at something. It makes his palms sweat even more in a way that makes him uncomfortable. Pushing past it, he ignores the pointed look Murphy gives him, biting his cheek to stop himself from laughing. The dick. He needs to replace him as a wing man. Then they hear Raven’s voice, cracking some joke about a Karen at Madi and Robin’s soccer practice. Murphy swallows thickly and Bellamy shoots him a smirk. 

“Are you two just going to stand here all night?” Madi asks from halfway up the stairs, frowning, eyebrows raised in a way that’s still familiar to him, somehow. 

He realizes with a start that she reminds him of O at that age. The look. The posture. The tone. But Clarke promised, and there’s no way...Yeah, there’s no way. 

The thought leaves him just as quickly as it comes because he snorts at Madi and makes his way up the stairs.

Jasper’s the first one to greet them, bravely so. But Bellamy wonders if this is his duty to bear for the night. Since it is his fault that he and Murphy managed to find their way here.

They talk for a second, with Bellamy dropping Maya’s name in a way that’s only a little bit threatening. Jasper gulps. 

“ _Bellamy_ ,” Clarke says, coming over and looking him over with a cool assessment.

The kind that she might use on a particularly annoying patient at Arkadia Hospital where she works as a nurse. He always figured she’d be a doctor, but he supposes Madi sort of derailed that. Like how Monty accidentally let slip that Raven’s a junior manager at a company that writes and assesses technology instead of designing it herself. 

Jasper retreats just as fast as he came over. Meanwhile Raven corners Murphy in the living room, near where she’s been lighting candles in mason jars that sit on the windowsills. 

“So glad you could make it,” she goes on in a tone that tells him she’s anything but. 

He lets a lazy grin spread across his face. Sometimes, it’s all too easy to get under her skin. Though from their college days, he knows she likes to start their little fights almost as much and often as he does. Honestly, he figures she’s secretly pleased he’s here. If nothing else than to keep the conversation interesting. He doubts much of her current life really is, especially not for the kind of person he thought she was in school. 

“Wouldn’t miss it for anything,” he replies. “Though I am hurt you didn’t send me an engraved invite. Or are you here to tell me that it got lost in the mail as I suspected?”

She narrows her eyes and juts out her chin in the way that’s exactly what he wants from her. “You managed to scheme your way here anyway, so does it really matter?”

He places a hand over his chest. “You wound me.”

Vaguely, he knows that everyone else is trying to not be overly obvious in the way they keep looking at him and Clarke. The past comes swirling back into focus. Parties and classes and nights at the park, and always, the two of them fighting. Or, at least, their version of fighting, which has always felt a bit like flirting to him. 

This whole thing is entertaining to him, considering he registers them trying to act casual in a few seconds. His friends from college are great people, he knows this. His reasoning for coming tonight, in part, is because he really does want to reconnect with them. Of course, he wants Clarke, too, but he misses his people, if he’s being honest with himself. One of those reasons? They’re hilarious, even when they’re not trying to be. They all possess diverse traits. But subtlety? Definitely not. 

“Take it as a favor.” She grins and leans in and he loves it. “Someone’s gotta keep that ego in check.” She sweeps a piece of hair out of her eyes and creates some distance between them. “Think of it as a public service.”

He chokes out a laugh and her lips quirk up a little. 

Then Raven calls Clarke into the kitchen, fuming. He exchanges a look with Murphy, who looks so smug it’s kind of impressive. 

After that, he talks to Miller for a while, a little surprised he’s now married to Jackson since he used to rant about how marriage was a scam and a trap and Bellamy needed to save him if he ever thought otherwise. 

“We all gotta change sometime,” he says. He looks over at his husband where he’s talking with a laughing Harper. 

“Do we?” Bellamy asks.

Miller shakes his head, grinning. “Look, maybe not _you_ but some of us actually enjoy being in a committed relationship. Plus, I mean the fucking benefits. The tax deductions saved our asses enough to actually buy a place.”

“There it is,” Bellamy responds, please to find a reason why one of his closest old friend’s decided to sell his soul. “Though if I remember correctly, weren’t you raging about how there is no ethical consumption under capitalism any chance you got?”

He laughs and nods, and points a finger at Bellamy. “I still do, don’t go thinking _that_ much about me has changed. I’m still the same asshole. I’m just a little more grown-up now. Which is why I think it’ll be fine, you two being back. Not much is different from how it was back then.”

Bellamy looks over at where Madi and Robin are setting the table then looks over at Miller.

He gets this weird look on his face, like he’s fighting with himself in the reply, but then he caves and says, “Alright, alright. So, some things have changed. But really...I don’t know, it’s a good change. Like me finally deciding to settle down with Jackson.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” Bellamy huffs. “Though I have to say, I’m really glad that all of this,” he gestures to Miller’s wedding ring and then Madi and Robin, and then the industrial building that only Clarke would call a home in general, “isn’t mine.”

Miller bites his lip and Bellamy thinks he might argue with him or point out the various economic and emotional benefits of his life, but instead, asks him about the restaurant, instead, effectively changing the topic. 

The entirety of dinner’s weird, for a number of reasons, not including the cutting looks Clarke and Raven keep shooting at them and then the looks they exchange with one another. The ones directed at him kind of thrill him, actually. It’s more the tension from everyone else. Like they’re just waiting for something horrible to happen. Which Bellamy is a little offended by. Like he can’t control himself? Please. He’s _good_ in these kinds of environments. And even if Murphy’s been overdoing it a little with telling Raven how much he’s missed her and Arkadia, it’s not outside what’s expected of him. He doesn’t get why everyone else is freaking out. 

“I’m gonna,” Clarke clears her throat as everyone’s finishing up eating, “go check on dessert.” She shoots a smile at Madi. “Why don’t you break out the board games.”

Just as she’s gotten up, Bellamy does, too. 

“Bellamy—” Harper starts, but he’s already making his way through the door to the kitchen. 

* * *

Clarke retreats into the kitchen with some lame excuse once everyone’s finished dinner and Madi and Robin take out _Settlers of Catan_. She thinks she might have a few moments to collect herself. Jasper, thankfully, prepared them this time. So, she knew Bellamy and Murphy were going to be at her place that night. It didn’t make things any easier though. And it especially didn’t take away the stress of wondering how and when Bellamy will find out Madi’s his. 

At this point, she knows she’s going to have to tell him, because if she doesn’t, then someone else would. Either by accident or on purpose. Miller already threatened once, and she knows that while Octavia resolutely declared herself Team Lie back when Clarke got pregnant, there’s only so long she can be expected to hide her niece’s existence from her brother. And she knows, she really, really does, that this is bad. That she’s a bad person. But she was trying to protect Madi and herself, and hell, sometimes she thinks she was also trying to protect Bellamy, by keeping Madi from him. The guilt has made her lose many nights of sleep, especially since the wedding. Since she realized that, despite it all, she might need Bellamy more than she thought, and that whether it would destroy her life or not, she has to come clean. 

So, she and Raven plan to tell them. It’s just picking _when_ that’s been the kicker. It’s going to be a shit show, regardless, but how does she tell someone who clearly has no interest in being a dad that they are one? How does she tell _Bellamy_ that when she already told him to his face that he isn’t? 

She’s screwed, and lately, she can’t even tell herself that she doesn’t completely deserve it. 

Unluckily enough for her, she doesn’t get a few precious moments alone because Bellamy ducks into the kitchen seconds after her. What has she done to deserve this? Well, aside from lying and hiding the existence of a child, which again, she knows is beyond Not Good but...Seriously. It’s not just unfair or bad luck now. It has to be something far more sinister. 

“Need some help?” Bellamy asks, eyes alight with something she recognizes all too well from the night she got pregnant. 

She hates that he somehow has an impact on her. No, she tells herself, he doesn’t. He _thinks_ he does, though, and that’s somehow much worse. 

“I’m good,” she says, dismissing it and him and hopefully this entire interaction. 

He comes over to her anyway and looks over the kitchen, eyeing the brownie pan where they’re already cut up into squares. “You know, one might think you made up an excuse to come in here.” He grins and she wants to wipe it off his face. “Like you’re trying to avoid me or something.” He shrugs. “Though the Clarke I knew never did back down from a fight, so that’s probably wrong.”

Does he never know when to quit or have common decency or just shut the fuck up?

She tells him as much and he takes it in stride. “That’s my girl.”

Scoffing, she replies, “I am _a lot_ of things, but I am definitely _not_ your girl.” She smirks. “Maybe you’re confusing your dreams for reality.”

“You really want to be in my dreams, don’t you?” he challenges. “Honestly, if you wanted to spend time with me in bed, all you had to do was ask.”

Clarke grins. “Unfortunately for you, that is never going to happen.”

“ _Again_ ,” he adds, smug. She can tell he thinks about his next words, or at least, wants to seem like he does, before adding, casual, “I do want you to know, even though you’re a mom now, you’re still hot.”

Now she’s sure of it, she really is going to kill him. Quickly though. Because he’d probably think she actually cared if she took her time. 

“Face it,” he continues, “this,” he gestures between the two of them, “is inevitable.” 

She shakes her head and glares at him. “No fucking way.”

“Come on, I know _you_ ,” he argues. 

He’s insufferable, and the worst part is, the more she fights, the more she knows he enjoys it. There’s hardly ever winning with him. So, the rage builds and builds until she can’t hold it in anymore. 

As much as the guilt and regret have been building since the wedding, she knows there’s still pain there when it comes to him. And more importantly, anger. 

How _dare_ he just waltz back into her life like it’s nothing? Like their last conversation never happened. It’s fucked up that she’s been hiding Madi from him all these years, of course it is, and she really does want to tell him the truth. To give Madi the chance to have a dad and Bellamy the opportunity to be one, too. But here, with him standing before her, being so...so...so _Bellamy_ , all of her reasons for doing it come rushing back. 

“You don’t know my business or my life or _the first thing about me_.”

She knows everyone definitely heard the last part since she sort of shouted it, and if she isn’t so pissed, she would be incredibly embarrassed. 

Then Raven comes to save her, thankfully.

“Hey,” she says, giving Bellamy a cold stare. “I just realized we forgot to get the ice cream earlier.”

Clarke frowns, they definitely didn’t. They have a whole quart in the freezer. “I—” she starts.

“I think _we should go_.” Raven clears her throat. “Get the ice cream.”

Bellamy looks between them, confused. “Is this a code for drugs?”

Clarke shoots him an unimpressed look. “Yes, Bellamy, we really like to finish off our family dinners with a little sprinkling of coke.”

He raises his hands in defense. “You did tell me that I don’t know your business.”

She sucks on her teeth and gives him a fake, cheerful, smile. “Try not to burn my home down while we’re out.”

Raven and Clarke ask the rest of them to watch Madi and Robin, hopefully their casual words clear, since Bellamy’s taken his seat besides Murphy once more. _Do not reveal the secret_ . _Whatever you have to do, keep them in the dark. At least for tonight. We just need one more night. I don’t care if you actually do have to set the house on fire._

As Raven grabs her keys and they rush out the door, she hopes they understand. If they don’t, nothing will ever be okay again, no matter how she might try to explain how and why she’s done what she has to Bellamy. 

* * *

Murphy’s getting his ass kicked in a board game where you compete for sheep and clay. It’s mortifying. To make it worse, Robin and Madi are too thrilled by his and Bellamy’s lack of skill. He makes a note to tell Raven she needs to get her kid in check. Honestly, whose genetics messed with hers in such a pathological way to create such a demon spawn?

They’ve just finished their second game when Robin proudly declares herself and Madi the ultimate champions and him and Bellamy the ultimate failures.

Harper clinks her water against Robin’s, the traitor. 

“I have an idea!” Madi says. She exchanges a look with Robin, who returns her smile. 

“Definitely,” she agrees.

Madi cups her hands over her mouth and makes some vague sound effects. 

While she’s doing that, Robin raises her hand to silence everyone and draw their attention. 

“It is only fair that we finish this family dinner with a round of...” She bangs her hands on the table and Bellamy looks at him as if to say, _The fuck?_ Murphy’s just as clueless. 

But then Robin finishes her sentence with, “BEST DUO!” 

This encourages more sound effects from Madi. 

“Oh, god, not _this_ ,” Lincoln grumbles.

“Yes!” Jasper exclaims and he and Monty do their own signature dorky high-five. 

Harper clears her throat. “Maybe...Not. I think we should play something else. Monopoly, maybe?”

“Oh, babe,” Monty tells her, patting her hand. “It’s tradition for me and Jasper to play together. But I promise, Jasper’s gonna bring Maya next time and then you and me will take everyone down.”

“It’s—” Harper starts, but Octavia cuts her off.

“Ahem, I’m pretty sure it’s me and Lincoln who are gonna take the prize.” She shoots a sheepish look at Bellamy. “No offense, Bell, but we haven’t lived in the same place in years, and I’m not about to lose my honor for you.”

Bellamy frowns. “What are you all even talking about?”

Madi rolls her eyes but tells them, “It’s a game we play. Usually for the last brownie or whatever.” She looks at Robin and grins. “And we almost _always_ win. Because we’re the best, obviously.”

“Maybe we should wait for Clarke and Raven to get back,” Emori proposes. “That way, they can play too.”

“Or not play,” Harper goes on, “because we don’t have to play this game, really.”

“No way.” Jasper shakes his head. “After these two,” he nods to Madi and Robin, “Clarke and Raven are our biggest competition.”

Miller gestures with his water glass. “I resent that.”

Jackson smiles and says, “He’s just bitter because we haven’t won in months.”

“Am not,” Miller grumbles, and crosses his arms. “You know what? Fine. Let’s play. We’ll take all of you down.”

There’s a stack of cards, which Jasper and Monty gloat they designed themselves, to which Harper jumps in and adds that she’s the one who actually possesses the graphic design skills to put it all together. On the cards are various questions, the next more ridiculous than the previous one. All sorts of invasive and weird and honestly, the fact that it’s expected they know these things about their best friend or partner is pretty weird. 

It’s stuff like: “What is your co-duo’s favorite movie from the early 2000s romcom period?” or “What would they be allergic to if they had to pick one thing?” and “Which celebrity would they get an autograph from but not actually want to hang out with on a Saturday night?” 

Of course, since Madi and Robin are playing, all the questions are “kid appropriate” which Murphy thinks will make the game a hell of a lot less fun. Surprisingly though, it doesn’t. 

Once they get going, he’s kind of disturbed by the game. Mostly because he knows _way_ too much about Bellamy, as it turns out. Like a weird amount for a grown man to know about another grown man, regardless of relationship or familial status. But as the game goes on, Murphy realizes that Bellamy and him are pretty freaking amazing at it, and eventually, they both get into it. 

There are eliminations throughout, and then it’s eventually down to him and Bellamy and Madi and Robin in the Final Sudden Death Round. 

“You have to list things you have in common, stuff that makes you unique,” Robin explains, maybe a little condescending. 

They clearly think they have this game locked down easy. Well, Murphy certainly isn’t to let these kids beat them without a fight, and he knows Bellamy feels the same. No way are they gonna let random little girls prove that they’re better than them. Even if it might ruin their chances with Clarke and Raven by doing so. 

Everything’s going great for Murphy and Bellamy. He can sense Madi and Robin haven’t had this kind of competition in a while. Maybe in the whole history of playing the game. He gets a little smug and lists off in quick succession: they own a business together, they went to school together all through college, and they started out enemies as kids but then became best friends. 

Madi and Robin know they’re beat. He’s sure of it. But then they get these matching smiles on their faces. 

“Don’t play that card,” Harper rushes out, warning them, her voice tense for some reason. “It’s not fair and you know it.”

“It is so!” Madi argues. “Jasper and Monty played the ‘we met at nine months old’ card last month and beat us. If they get to use that, then we can use this.”

Harper shoots a glare at Monty, who turns sheepish and Jasper looks like he might be sick. Murphy and Bellamy look at one another. Clearly, the rest of them know something that they don’t. He has no idea what it could be, but apparently it’s enough for even Jasper and Monty to regret their win of the game. 

“I think that was cheating,” Jasper says. “Really, we should’ve been disqualified for it. You can take away our win.”

His offer isn’t enough though. Robin shakes her head. “No way.”

“Oh, hell...” Bellamy says and waves a hand at the girls. “Let them win. Like we care.”

Even though Murphy thinks they might care a little too much, honestly. 

Jackson glances around everyone at the table, communicating something silently Murphy doesn’t even try to understand. He forgot how strange their friends could get. It’s just a game, he doesn’t get the big deal. 

“I really don’t—” Miller starts, but he’s cut off.

“ _We_ were born three days apart _and_ we were both conceived on the same night,” Madi says, grimacing a little at the thought, but she manages to remain smug at the same time. 

Murphy feels all the color drain from his face. Bellamy’s eyes go a little wide.

“And,” Robin adds, “as if that wasn’t good enough. It was the same place. Same party. Our moms really are _so extra_.”

Madi nods. “I know!” 

She and Madi do their little high-five and turn to face Bellamy and Murphy. 

“You got something better?” Madi challenges and Robin laughs, already victorious.

Murphy doesn’t have the words to respond, and apparently, neither does Bellamy. He takes his time looking all around the table. Every time he meets someone’s eye, they quickly look away or don’t even have the guts to look at him to begin with. That’s when he starts thinking the worst might really be true. 

“Of course, they don’t,” Robin says, gloating and then shoots a hand into the air, somehow dismissing their silence as being pissed they lost. “We are the grand victors once more! Extra brownies for us.”

When no one says anything, Madi gives them a look like they’ve all lost it. Which, Murphy thinks he and Bellamy _definitely_ have, given the thoughts that are currently hitting him at the speed of light. 

“What’s wrong with you guys?” she asks. 

Robin rolls her eyes. “Seriously. You’ve never been _this_ defeated before?” She stares them all down before turning back to Murphy. “The hell is going with you weirdos?”

And the way she says it...It’s just like Murphy would, if he was her. 

“What. The. Fuck.” Bellamy’s voice gives away all the questions currently whirling around in Murphy’s head. 

It’s _impossible._ Raven said no. Raven said, quote, “You are not Robin’s dad.” 

And then it dawns on him. Of course, she’d say that. A fucking technicality. A way to lie without actually lying. That’s just like her, and he knows it. He also knows that if Madi and Robin were conceived on the same night and are almost the same exact age, and really, kind of look like him and Bellamy when he really studies them and definitely act like them when they’re all smug and judgmental then that means…Oh, God. 

He’s gonna throw up. 

“Um,” Echo starts, and it’s the first time Murphy’s ever seen her at a loss for words. 

There’s a long, loaded silence, and then, as if things weren’t dramatic enough, Clarke and Raven walk in. 

“We have the ice cream!” Raven says, hoisting up a fabric bag. 

“Hope you didn’t lose it without us,” Clarke adds, grinning. 

Then they take in the awkwardness. Madi and Robin’s confusion. The horror on Bellamy’s face that Murphy’s sure is reflected on his own.

Their smiles fall off their faces and eyes go wide. Clarke glances between Bellamy and Madi and he knows that Bellamy latches onto it. She squeezes her eyes shut and mouths a silent, “Shit”. 

Meanwhile, Raven takes a deep breath and bites her lip so hard he wonders if she’ll break skin. Jesus fucking Christ. They might as well have come out and said it and confirmed everything Murphy’s thinking. 

All the while, one terrifying thought is clear in the mess of his mind.

He’s a fucking _dad_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> also, as a side note, I'm aware it'd be pretty impossible for Raven to know exactly the night she got pregnant with Robin if her and Murphy were sleeping together regularly, but... _waves hand_ *plot reasons* lmao
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/655N2Hp3cJLvd0lVHFJUQY?si=_vGUJ_W3RJmO3UF6M-7XlA)


	4. And I Need to Get Away, And I Can't Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lovelies! sorry this updates coming a day or two late, but it was a big one for me, and I wanted to be sure to get it as right as possible. this one picks up right where we left off, with the Big Reveal and the Aftermath. it's a little more angsty than some of the other chapters, but it's got some fun bits too, ofc, drama. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Take Me to a Higher Place' by Kate Nash*
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/655N2Hp3cJLvd0lVHFJUQY?si=NALwDv0ZQJmpOeqxRLtjxg)
> 
> sending love and good thoughts to you all 💞💞💞

Clarke’s doing her best to de-escalate the situation before Madi and Robin figure out what’s going on, even though she can barely get in a breath, she’s panicking so badly. 

She’s all too aware of the fact that once the two of them even get a glimpse of the truth, they’ll latch onto it, and then they’ll never let go. At least, not in time for her to shut it down until the truth comes out in the worst way possible. In a way that she doesn’t know if Madi would or could ever forgive her for. Everything she’s worked so hard for these past twelve years is already ruined, but there’s still a chance to tell her the right way. To keep her, to keep _both_ her _and_ Robin, as happy and protected as possible.

Really, she can’t believe that all of it was for nothing simply because Bellamy Blake had to come to her damn family dinner, in an attempt to sleep with her. It’s a joke. Hell, she wishes it was a joke. It would be better than the reality. Maybe under different circumstances, she would’ve laughed, but this is her child. As much as she hates that Bellamy had to find out like this, she knows it will be ten times worse if Madi does, too. 

“Girls,” she says, cutting a look at Bellamy and Murphy that could probably freeze over Texas in summer. “Can you go upstairs for a bit?”

Madi frowns. “Why?”

Robin follows it with, “If you want to break out the secret wine and beer that the goobers,” she looks to Jasper and Monty, “brought, that’s fine by us. We don’t care.” 

Madi nods encouragingly. 

“Just go upstairs, okay?” Raven intervenes, the edge in her tone like a livewire. 

“Sheesh, okay.” Robin rolls her eyes but gets out of her chair and walks toward the winding staircase that leads to the third level of the firehouse. Before she goes though, she shoots back, “No need to go all _The Shining_ on us.”

Madi snorts but stands up and follows Robin. “Here’s Johnny,” she mutters under her breath as she passes Clarke.

If it was any other circumstance, she would’ve totally gone all Mom on her ass, but she figures she might need to let it slide. Pick her battles. Hope that maybe Madi can forgive her once she knows the truth about her father. 

Bellamy doesn’t wait a moment longer than necessary, which Clarke can’t even fault him for, considering the fact that he did not, in fact, pass out as he appeared he was going to when she first walked in and realized what happened. 

“What the actual fuck, Clarke?” he spits out, half-disbelief, half-anger. 

Nevermind, she thinks, he still looks like he might pass out after all. The only thing appearing to hold him steady is the placement of both his palms, flat on the table.

“Kitchen,” she says. “Lets not do this here,” she adds and stalks off and through the door, not bothering to see if he follows. She knows he will. Mostly because...Well, he did just find out she’s the mother of his child who he never knew about. At least, not in a way that made him think Madi could actually be his. 

She hears Raven say, “Backyard. Now.” 

Murphy shoots back, to his credit, at not a shout but a hissed whisper, “Oh, would you like some privacy while you explain how the hell you kept a whole ass person from me? A person who shares half my damn DNA?”

Clarke doesn’t hear Raven’s response, but knows it will be enough to convince Murphy to not make this any more dramatic than it has to be, than it already is, really. 

Even in this, they do it as a team, as they’ve done practically everything throughout the last twelve years. She’s a good person to have though, in her corner, and she knows Raven feels the same. Even with the financial help and support of her mom, it’s Raven who kept her steady through it all, made her believe that they could actually do it, and then keep doing it. That they could raise their girls right and survive it on their own. 

She takes a moment to collect herself, taking in slow, deep breaths, not able to turn around and face Bellamy just yet. When she’s finally stopped her hands from shaking, she finally finds the courage and looks at Bellamy. She waits for a moment, thinking he’ll want to go on some kind of rant first. 

He starts to say a couple of different things, fragments that break off before he can get a full word out. 

“I cannot believe! That you...That _this_...Oh my God.” He runs a hand through his hair and starts pacing around the kitchen. “I might throw up,” he says and then keeps going with the random, muttered words. She wants to interrupt, but she isn’t sure he’d even register anything she has to say at the moment. 

“Clarke—” He shakes his head, opens his mouth a couple more times to stutter out curses or other random things she thinks aren’t meant to be sentences and then goes quiet.

Figuring it’s her turn to speak, she goes with the ever original, “Yes, she’s yours, and I can explain.”

He scoffs, finding his words. “I doubt it.”

“I know this is...Bad,” she finished. “Worse than bad, and I understand you’re processing a lot right now.”

“You think?” he jumps in, before she can keep going. “What the fuck were you thinking? Did you really believe this was okay or right or even rational in any part of your brain?”

It’s that that sets off her defensives. She doesn’t want this to be any more of a fight than she already knows it’s bound to be, but she can’t help but feel all the pain and confusion and just peril that was their last conversation. When she told him she was pregnant, when she tried to tell him she was pregnant with _his_ baby. 

Sucking at her teeth, she tries to reign it in, but in the end, her emotions get the best of her. 

She bursts out, “I was _thinking_ that you sure as hell weren’t ready to be a dad, and from what I’ve seen, you don’t even want to be one still, and you definitely didn’t want a kid with _me_.”

He opens his mouth to argue, but she’s only set off more by it. 

“No,” she adds. “I get to talk now. I get to have the chance to explain why I did what I did. I have my reasons. If you recall the last time we talked in college, you made it pretty fucking clear that you thought I should get an abortion. That I was an idiot for even considering keeping it. And you made it abundantly apparent that you had no interest or desire to be there for me.”

“I was a stupid kid!” he gets out and blows out a breath, then makes his voice quieter as he goes on. “I was twenty-two and O was just about to start college and I thought I was free and…” He swallows, still reeling from the truth. “I figured given you had freaking _everything_ that you wouldn’t want to just throw it all away.”

“That’s the problem!” she yells back, not caring if all their friends hear, too wrapped up in the fight. “I didn’t throw anything away for Madi. I have a good life and she’s the best thing I’ve ever done. The most amazing thing, in fact. No doubt about it or my choice. So, you can shove your _everything_ up your ass.” 

She knows this isn’t strictly true, that there have been sacrifices and dreams tossed out, but she can’t let him have this. She has to tell him just how great her life with Madi is, despite the fact that she knows it’s far from perfect. That she’s exhausted, frankly, and hasn’t had any kind of life she ever pictured for herself. Despite it all though, she wouldn’t give up Madi for all of those dreams. She’s worth it. She’s everything, and now, Bellamy doesn’t even understand why Clarke didn’t tell him the truth all these years. Her reasons were mostly selfish, she understands that and isn’t above admitting to it, but some of those reasons, the important ones...They were to keep her daughter safe. 

“Look,” he responds. “I’m sure you have just a great life, but come on, Clarke. You can’t say that it’s exactly picture perfect.”

Clarke knows she should take a moment and calm down a little, that having this fight isn’t the best thing for her or Bellamy, but especially not Madi. 

“Of course, it isn’t. But that’s life, Bellamy. Nothing is ever perfect. Life with Madi didn’t teach me that though.” She shakes her head. “You already had.”

“Clarke, I’m sorry for what I said back then, okay? I was…” He nods. “I was a complete asshole, but that would never excuse you doing _this_ to me!”

“And what exactly are you talking about?” she demands, almost scared of the truth, of what it will do to her daughter. “The fact that I didn’t tell you about Madi or that she exists at all?”

When he doesn’t answer, she feels the worst kind of confirmation and scoffs. “Exactly.” 

She licks her lips and thinks back to when she told him she didn’t know which decision was the right one, how everyone was telling her what she should do, how she thought Bellamy and her would figure things out _together_. It feels so silly now, that she ever believed that. 

“What is it that you said?” she questions, and he pales and looks like he might be sick once more. Clarke doesn’t care, she keeps going. “‘You will regret this. Whether in a year or five or whatever. It’s crazy to even consider keeping it, don’t you see that?’”

He does look immensely guilty, which makes her feel slightly better, but she isn’t done yet. All the emotions she thought she sealed away after he said what he did to her come roaring back. 

“‘I mean, I know if it was _me_ I would be running in the other direction,’” she repeats from memory, unwavering, for which she’s cruelly proud of, though she knows it makes him feel even worse. 

Bellamy flinches at that addition, at the piece of it that made her positive that she couldn’t tell him the baby was his. Before he said that, she planned on it. Had a whole dumb speech prepared that she never got to finish. 

Now, he gets to know what the conversation did to her. It feels good and terrible all at the same time. She has to finish though, has to force out the most important parts of the conversation, the words that have never left her. 

“‘It will ruin your whole world forever,’’ she makes herself say. “‘So I have no idea what you would ever want to fuck it up. Just let it be a bullet dodged. You know better, Clarke. After all, people will only get hurt from this, if you keep it.’”

When she’s done speaking, it doesn’t feel like enough, but that’s all there is. Not long after he said those words, she called him a jackass and said she couldn’t be happier that the baby wasn’t his. Wasn’t his problem to deal with. That was that. They hadn’t seen each other since Harper and Monty’s wedding. The words hurt in the moment, of course, but it’s their lasting impact that she hates. The way they’ve hung over her for so many years. The way that, inexplicably, they still do, to this day. 

In a way that feels like the worst betrayal, she thinks she might cry. 

Over the past few weeks, she imagined a thousand ways of this happening, of telling Bellamy the truth and figuring out where to go from there. Some part of her might’ve even believed that it wouldn’t be too bad, that they had a chance of not completely ruining Madi’s life. In her worst nightmares though, even this reality wasn’t a possibility. She should’ve known better. 

“I never would’ve said those things though,” he argues, his voice a bit strained and almost broken. 

She wants to believe him. For the most part, because she thinks it’s true, that he really means it, but also because she hates the damn pain. 

“Not if I knew the truth. Not if I knew that it was…” He corrects himself, “That _she_ was mine.”

“You still said them,” she replies, her voice quieter than she means it to be, it gives away too much of her feelings, and she hates herself for it. 

“And you still lied to me for twelve years,” he points out. 

Neither one of them seems to be willing to give in and let the other win, and she wonders, pitifully, if it will always be like this between them. Even when they tell Madi. That they will never see each other the way they wished. Only fighting and biting comments and distrust. It makes her so sad for Madi she can’t properly express it. She wants to give her daughter everything, and instead, all she’s giving her is Clarke’s own mess. One that she isn’t sure either one of them will ever be able to mend. 

She can only hope that things are going even slightly better for Raven. 

* * *

The day Robin was born was the best day of her life, no hesitations or questions there, but Murphy finding out that he’s a father, the father of _her_ child, is probably the worst. 

“How the hell could you do this?” he demands for the second time in a five-minute span. 

Her answer, that she knew it was a mistake but thought it was the best decision at the time, apparently wasn’t enough, the first time.

She chews on her lip, feeling both guilty and the need to tell him exactly how she could’ve kept Robin from him. The last thing she needs is to bring up old, painful memories. Though she’s starting to think, given the nature of the conversation, that those feelings are inevitable. 

“I had my reasons,” she responds. 

“Fuck off,” is his reply.

Which kind of sets her off, really. Down a path of no return.

She works her jaw before getting out, “If your reaction right now isn’t enough already, can you really stand here and tell me that you wouldn’t have lost your shit if I told you that I was pregnant? That it was yours?”

When he doesn’t answer, she feels a sick kind of satisfaction, and keeps on, “Can you tell me that you wouldn’t have patted me on the shoulder and said, ‘Look, doll, I think we both know the only decision here. Now, if you excuse me, I’ve gotta go win a beer pong tournament,’?”

“I never would’ve done that,” he shoots back. “Hell, I’m me but I’m not...That. Maybe I wouldn’t have been exactly _ecstatic_ to be a dad back then, but I am not a deadbeat. I would’ve stepped up.”

“That’s the thing, Murphy,” she says, feeling way too many emotions she doesn’t even know where to begin sorting through them. “You did do that, you did react like that. Exactly in that way, in fact.”

He frowns and shakes his head. “I don’t know what the hell you’re even talking about. I never said that, I would remember.”

“Miller’s End of the Year party.” She swallows, and his mouth hangs open before he snaps it shut. So, he suspects now. That’s better. She makes herself get it all out.

“You were drunk off your ass, and I came and told you, and that’s how you chose to congratulate me on the news, how you chose to help me.”

She’s gone and said it now, and there’s no taking it back. Might as well acknowledge the whole ugly truth of it. How she’d been so nervous and scared of being pregnant. Not knowing what to do, which choice was the right one. Foolishly, now, she thinks, she believed that Murphy _would_ stand up with her. That whatever choice she made, he’d be there. Even more than that though, she thought he’d make a good dad, given the chance. 

Now, she knows better. 

He never wanted to be a dad back then, and he sure as hell doesn’t seem to want to be one these days, but he is one, and she can’t erase that. More than she’s hurting for herself, she hurts for Robin. For the life she deserves and the one Raven’s always felt she couldn’t give her. She wonders if this, if the whole Murphy of it all and knowing the truth about him, will only push that life that much further away. Robin should have the whole world, and instead, she just has had her, all these years. And now, a dad who doesn’t seem to even want her. 

“But I was _drunk_ ,” he tosses out. “I never would’ve done that sober, and you know that.” He runs a hand across his face. “Hell, you might not have wanted to admit it back then and especially not now, but you know me.”

“That doesn’t take away what happened!” she nearly yells, gesturing with her arms. “It doesn’t make it any less real for me. It’s more than just that night though, you know it is. Hell, do you _want_ to be there for Robin? Do you think you’re ready to be a dad, right now? And would you have been ready back then?”

He might be in shock, but he still doesn’t answer any of her questions. Instead, he looks deathly ill and guilty. Looks down at his shoes and kicks at the cobblestone they laid out back two summers ago. Which is all enough of a response for her. 

Raven finds that now that she’s started, she can’t stop, so she goes on, “So don’t tell me I didn’t have my reasons. Were they completely unselfish? No. Should I have told you? Yeah, eventually, maybe. For _Robin’s_ sake.” 

She needs to make it clear that she doesn’t need him and never did and she did amazing without him, but she also knows it’s wrong to keep Robin from the chance of knowing her dad. Albeit even though he’s one who might have less maturity than she does. 

“But don’t act like you wouldn’t have made me sure of the fact that I ruined your life by having her and forcing you to take on a responsibility you never wanted, and we both know you still don’t want it.”

“That should be up to me to decide.” Now he’s the one who’s waving his arms a little and buries his head in his hands for a moment. “That should’ve been a decision we made together,” he gestures to the both of them, “not you on your own. Like I didn’t even factor into any of it.”

She deflates a little, because she does know that he has a point. Despite all his ridiculous behavior and the way he clearly hasn’t grown up at all since college, he deserved to at least know about the baby. Sober and capable of coherent thought. 

“I mean, hell, Raven,” he adds, “how’d you even do it without me?”

All of a sudden, it’s that comment that heats up her anger once more. It’s as if he’s questioning her ability to parent, though she knows that’s not the whole truth. Still. Years of her own doubt and judgments from other parents and her _mother_ and Clarke’s mother and even random strangers makes her bristle. Sets her teeth on edge. Her sympathy for him dries up, and leaves cracks of pain and defensiveness in its wake. 

“I did a great fucking job!” she yells out, not caring if their friends can overhear even from inside. “You might think that I couldn’t have done it without you, Murphy, but I did _freaking wonderful_.”

He snorts, turns away and mutters a curse to himself, and that pisses her off even more. 

“Robin is a star student and head of the robotics team at school and can read circles around me.” She’s stewing in her anger now, but it feels so good, to finally say the words she’s been holding in for years. “Don’t you dare have the balls to tell me that it’s a miracle I managed without your manwhore, childish ass.”

“Manwhore and childish?” he asks, a glint in his eye that makes her cross her arms over her chest. “That the best you got?” He shakes his head. “I can’t believe you.”

“Well, believe it,” she replies. “Because all of that is true. If you had any real defense to anything I just said, you’d deploy before I could even finish.”

It’s then that she knows she has him, if only a little. It doesn’t feel as nearly as much of a victory as she thought it would. Instead, she’s tired. Of the fighting. Of pretending that her life is perfect. Of acting like she’s superwoman and none of it fazes her, no matter what life throws her way. Maybe even the fact that she worries that he’s right, that she hasn’t done the great job with Robin she likes to think she has.

Clarke and her have done their best, she knows that. But she also knows that both of them are constantly afraid that they haven’t done it _well_. That they’ve fucked up their kids. Once the truth comes out and she tells Robin who Murphy is to her, she knows for sure it will fuck her up. The pain she already feels for causing distress to her kid makes her choke down tears. She refuses to cry in front of him, of all people. 

“Face it,” he shoots back, apparently not willing to accept her words. “Your life isn’t at all how you imagined it back then. What did you always say? That you were gonna be the next Becca Franco?”

She might tackle him to the ground. He’s just as stubborn and headstrong as she is, and she thinks bitterly, Robin certainly got it from both of them. She won’t go down without a fight though. She’s been here before. Maybe not with Murphy and explaining all her years of lying, but with people who believed she threw out her life for her daughter.

“My life isn’t perfect, but hell, it’s nothing I would change for the entire world,” she says. “Robin is a fantastic kid and I love her more than anything, and you know what? It’s sad that you can’t see that and how important that is and how it matters more than anything I’ve ever done or will ever do.”

* * *

Bellamy might actually pass out still, but he’s trying to hold out until they hash things out fully, knowing that if he does, it will only convince Clarke that she was in the right. Even more than he’s positive she already thinks. They are still at odds, neither one of them considering caving and accepting defeat. It’s like every other fight they’ve had. Except this time, they’re arguing over the fact that she had his kid and kept it from him for over a decade. 

This time, the fight is over something, or rather, _someone_ , real.

Despite his best efforts, he still can’t wrap his head around any of it. The fact that he has a _kid_. One who seems intent on dismissing him as the least interesting, bad at board games, random adult she’s ever met. It doesn’t make him think things are going to go well if she finds out who he really is to her. He knows, objectively, in some terrified part of his mind, that there is no ‘if,’ that Madi will know who he is, eventually, but if he considers that for too long, he’ll definitely pass out.

“I was trying to keep Madi safe,” Clarke insists.

He points a finger at her. “No, you were doing what was easiest for you.”

She narrows her eyes at the finger that’s accusingly nearly in her space. Rolling her eyes, she dismisses him entirely and it’s both exactly how it’s always been between them and yet completely different. He can’t get over the fact that she kept his kid from him. More than that though, and he knows he’s awful for it and she’s right but he’ll never admit to it, he does wonder _how_ the hell she did it. If he’s being honest, he wonders why, too. 

“Ever think that those two things could be the same?” she demands and he hates how he doesn’t have a reply immediately prepared for that. 

“How?” he asks after he collects his thoughts, as much as he can. “Because from where I’m standing, you thought you could do it all on your own, that you didn’t need anyone, so you believed you could just completely erase me from it all.”

“I did do it on my own!” she shouts back. 

He scoffs and he’s angry and hurt and feels so damn guilty for the things he said to her back then. Fleetingly, for one second, a life he never had flashes in his mind. What things could’ve been like if their talk went any differently. If he hadn’t been such an ass and Clarke told him the truth. Would he be there for Madi, still, or would everything have fallen apart eventually? Would he and Clarke be together, in a real way? Would they be a family?

It’s not something he ever imagined for himself. First, because he was caring for Octavia and she was his whole world and it didn’t leave room for much else. Once she was independent though, more than he ever thought she would be from him, and their relationship became strained, he realized he didn’t want that life. Not kids or the perfect happy family in the suburbs or whatever weird co-dependent bullshit he saw his friends eventually fall into. He wanted the freedom, the choice. To do what he pleased, and really, who he pleased, and live simply for himself. The only other person who ever fully got it is Murphy, and they were content to go on as they always had. Until this, until Raven and Clarke didn’t just poke a hole in the bottom of the boat, they sunk the whole thing. 

Believe him, he knows how that sounds...It’s, well, frankly, it means that Clarke probably is right, she did have her reasons. Maybe they’re still not ones that should’ve lasted twelve years of lying, but still there. He understands, to an upsetting extent, that his final words to her hurt more than he ever intended. He’s also realizing that intentions don’t really matter though, not in the long term. 

It feels impossible, even now that he knows Madi’s his, to think of life where that isn’t the case. Where he’s anyone different. 

Bellamy pushes away the lingering thoughts of a whole other life, one he will never have, and one, even now, he thinks he definitely is grateful _not_ to have, despite all the drama now surrounding his life. 

“I did just fucking grand without you,” she spits out and even though it’s sort of wrong, her anger brings out that familiar feeling of excitement. That is, until she adds onto it, “I never needed you and I never will and honestly, I can’t see how you believed you would ever be anything but a second child for me to take care of.”

They’re arguing in circles, and yet he can’t stop himself from shooting back as much of a searing reply as her own. 

“Then what exactly is all of this,” he gestures to the kitchen, the whole firehouse, her life, “what exactly is the reason you live with Raven? Why do you too depend on each other more than a freaking married old couple? Face it, Clarke: you never could’ve done it alone. So, instead of me, you and Raven used each other.”

“Fuck you,” she spits out. 

Before he can stop her, she starts to storm out of the kitchen and back into the main room of the second floor. When she flings open the door, Jasper, Monty, Harper and Emori back up so she doesn’t barrel right into them.

“Seriously?” she asks.

He rolls his eyes. Typical. 

“We—” Emori starts, but Clarke cuts her off.

“Forget it.”

She breezes past them, seemingly desperate to put as much space as possible between herself and Bellamy. 

He follows, not willing to let things go that easily. If she wants to have this fight, then they’re damn sure gonna have it. Even if he knows that it isn’t doing them any good, isn’t helping them figure out what they’re gonna do next. All he can really think about is not letting her win. 

Someone broke out the apparent ‘secret’ booze and Miller’s currently finishing what looks like his third beer. They meet one another’s eye for a second and he expects Miller to try and defend himself, but instead, he shakes his head at Bellamy. Octavia locks eyes with him for a moment and turns pleading, but he ignores her. They’re gonna sort out how she lied to him to him for more than ten years in a bit. Right now, he’s busy fighting the mother of his child.

Oh, God. That thought really makes him feel faint. 

“Clarke, we’re not fucking finished,” he says.

“I think we are,” she replies. 

He goes to reply, but before he can, Murphy comes stalking into the kitchen, waving his arms and cursing. Raven not far behind. 

“Can we _please_ not do this inside?” she asks.

“Fuck that,” Murphy responds. 

He comes up to Bellamy and he nods, and somehow, he knows exactly what he’s thinking. If they’re gonna keep doing this, they’re gonna do it as a team. Sure, Clarke and Raven will probably do the same, but there’s no way they’re getting out of this. They made their freaking bed, and now Bellamy and Murphy are gonna make sure they lie in it. 

Clarke glowers at him from across the room and Raven straightens her back, wincing a little as she adjusts her weight wrong. 

“We get to be pissed!” Murphy shouts, breaking the silence.

Vaguely, beneath the anger and whirlwind of thoughts that won’t leave him alone, he registers that they shouldn’t be being so loud. Not when Madi and Robin are right upstairs. The thought doesn’t stay long though because of what Clarke says next. 

“We have every right to do what we did,” she tells them. Her glare shifts from Bellamy to Murphy.

It occurs to him that they aren’t just pissed on one of them, they’re both pissed at Bellamy _and_ Murphy. Well, two can play at that game. 

He smiles, a little cruelly, and most importantly, condescendingly. “You _both_ are actually kidding yourselves if you seriously think what you did has any kind of excuse. You ruined everything by doing this.”

Clarke stiffens, and again, he knows he’s fucked up, but he can’t even dwell on it because Murphy adds, “Exactly! I mean, what? Did you think you could keep this from us forever? What was the damn plan? Because from where I’m standing, you don’t seem to have one.”  
  


Raven shakes her as if they’ve proven every point she’s ever made about them and shoots back, “There we go! Another reason! Hell, you would’ve fucked up Robin and Madi to hell and I for one am thrilled that we didn’t tell you.” She moves her glare over at Bellamy. “Either one of you.”

“I was right, what I said at the wedding,” Raven continues, staring down Murphy. “You are not Robin’s dad. You might be her father, but you’re not her dad.”

Clarke nods, and flicks her eyes up and down. “And you’re sure as hell not Madi’s. Not her _anything._ Fuck DNA.”

Bellamy goes to respond to that, but before he can, he’s cut off. Except not by Clarke or Raven or any of their friends. 

“What the fuck?” Madi exclaims, almost exactly in the same way he did earlier. 

Bellamy looks up at the staircase to see Madi and Robin standing halfway down it, leaning on the bannister. He swallows thickly. Fuck. 

Madi whips her head to Bellamy and narrows her eyes at him. He squirms under the look, and then she goes back to staring down Clarke. “ _He’s_ my dad?”

Robin adds nothing, but shakes her head in disgust, jaw ticking, and Bellamy doesn’t know much they’ve overheard but it must’ve been enough. 

Everyone freezes at Madi’s words and even Robin’s lack of ones. Both are equally shocking and terrible and world-changing. Well, everyone except Miller, who slams his palm against his forehead and shakes his head in horror. Jasper and Monty look at one another, matching pained expressions on their faces. Octavia and Lincoln stare at one another, with Lincoln reaching out to take her hand. The rest seem like they want to help, but don’t have the faintest idea how. Harper and Emori seem the saddest, the most concerned for the girls, other than for their mothers, who, Bellamy can see, are trying to hold it together. It doesn’t last. 

Clarke and Raven crumble at the same time.

“Madi,” Clarke says, voice desperate, pleading. Soft.

“Is he?” Madi gets out. When Clarke doesn’t answer, it’s apparently all the response she needs. “I hate you!” she yells and then disappears back up the stairs.

Raven moves forward, towards the staircase, but Robin crosses her arms over her chest, eyes alight with something dangerous, a look he knows only Murphy’s kid could master at eleven. 

“I hate you, too,” she says, slow, but her anger is just as evident as Madi’s. 

Then she follows Madi up the stairs. They clamber up further than where he thought the third floor was, and then Bellamy hears something like a metal door clanging against wood. 

“What do we do now?” Bellamy asks Clarke, tearing his eyes away from the place Madi once stood. If he believed he was in shock moments before, it’s nothing compared to what he feels right now. 

For once, she doesn’t have a reply, and instead, he thinks she might burst into tears. She shakes her head and stares off into space. He wonders if she’s now more in shock than he is, and honestly, couldn’t blame her. 

In the end, it’s Raven who tells them all, “We tell them the truth.” She looks just as upset as Clarke and takes a shaky breath before she keeps going, “And hope to hell they find it in themselves to not hate us forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
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> if you haven't already, I suggest checking out the t100ficforblm initiative. you can learn more from our carrd [here](https://t100fic-for-blm.carrd.co/).
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	5. The Life That You've Led, That Is Always a Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so incredibly patient for this chapter. I started a new job this past month and it's been rough finding a balance between that and finding time to write. That said, I am really excited to have this update for you. This one's a bit shorter, but has just as much drama as it deals with the direct aftermath of the previous chapter and settles a new world order for these four dumbs and their kids. 
> 
> In case you didn't know, there's a wonderful initiative going on for t100 fandom called t100fic-for-blm. Learn more about us and how to prompt a writer or content creator with our carrd [here](https://t100fic-for-blm.carrd.co/).
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> Thank you _so_ freaking much to the people who have nominated me for a BFWA, including for this story. It truly means everything to me. Whether or not you vote for me, please show appreciation for the wonderfully talented people in this community. You can find information about voting [here](https://bellarkeficawards.tumblr.com/post/629284180021411840/voting-details).
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> 
> *Chapter title is from Head On (Hold On To Your Heart) by Man Man*
> 
> Sending all the love and good thoughts to you 💖💜💙

Clarke tries to collect her thoughts, find the best words to speak to Madi to explain how she possibly made the choice to keep her father from her. Unsurprisingly, they don’t come. Instead, only doubt and sadness do. For her child, for the full life she didn’t give her. Looking at the way Bellamy appears as if he’d rather be anywhere else than there at that moment, she mourns the idea that even if she’d told him the truth, it never would’ve worked out for the three of them. But Madi would’ve known, at least. Good or bad. 

“I’ll go up first,” Raven offers. 

Clarke shakes her head. “Maybe we should go up together.”

“All of us?” Raven asks, and then adds, “Take some time, I think I’ve been preparing for this for a while. I know what I want to try and say.” She swallows. “If Robin will even listen to me.”

“She will,” Clarke insists. 

Raven seems to gain confidence from the statement, though Clarke isn’t sure if she even believes it. That doesn’t matter though. What does is assuring her friend during a moment that has terrified both of them for over twelve years. They're still a team as everything goes to shit. 

Part of her knew that the girls were always going to find out. That she couldn’t possibly keep this secret for their whole lives. Especially not after Bellamy and Murphy moved to town. But she was scared, and so, she clung to the lies. She thought she was making Madi safe, by keeping her from Bellamy. Now, she knows so much better. It doesn't make anything any easier though, maybe even more complicated. 

From where Bellamy stands with Murphy, he coughs. “Um,” he eloquently starts. Clarke prepares herself for any kind of possible response. He doesn’t say words of anger or insults though. Just, “Is there something we should do?”

She looks over at Raven, who chews on her lip. Then she focuses back on Bellamy and Murphy. “You can try to talk to them, too. But...Can you let us go first?” Her voice is hesitant, not wanting to reignite the fight that led to the situation in the first place. 

“What are we supposed to say?” Murphy asks. 

Clarke wishes she had any kind of reply to that. She knows she wants to be biting and rude, but that won’t do anyone any good. It's already got them even more into this mess than they were before. At least she’s learning how to hold her tongue when it comes to the two of them. Even if it is too late. 

Raven takes a moment before she responds, “That’s not for us to decide. You’re pissed, we get that, but if you want to talk to them, you have to decide for yourselves what you want to do now that you know.” She looks over at Clarke, who somehow manages a nod. “We can’t make your choice of whether or not you want to try and be in their lives for you, but you’re going to have to make it.”

Murphy pales a little at that and exchanges a look with Bellamy. They both appear equally as scared as Clarke and Raven, though perhaps for different reasons. She knows, more than anything, she’s worried about how this will impact Madi. How her own actions of fear and, yes, selfishness, will wreck the life she’s tried to build for her. All she ever wanted to do was protect her, and she couldn’t even manage that. 

If Bellamy doesn’t want to be in Madi’s life, she can’t stop him or convince him otherwise. What terrifies her is the fact that Madi might want him in her life regardless. That rejection is part of the reason Clarke decided to keep him from her. She never wanted her to have to experience that. Though she knows it's more complicated than that now, she really did believe she was doing the right thing. Even now that it’s blown up in all of their faces. 

Raven interrupts her thoughts a moment later. “I’ll go first, then Clarke, and then you two. Okay? And it doesn’t matter what you two decide, but I think Madi and Robin at least deserve to have a conversation with you.” She runs a hand across her forehead. “If they want to, that is.”

Clarke knows she’s worried that they won’t be willing to talk to the two of them, but might be more open to discussing things with Bellamy and Murphy. She doesn’t want to lose Madi, doesn’t want to fracture their close relationship that means everything to her. Even though she’s aware it will always be different now, she hopes they can get to a place where she at least trusts Clarke again. That might be asking too much, but any other possibility makes her chest hurt in such a profound way she wonders if it will ever ease up. 

Raven walks toward the stairs, back straight, chin out. Clarke knows she’s putting on a brave face, but she feels just as worried and upset as her. She goes up the stairs slowly, her steps weighted by her leg. When they first moved in, Clarke proposed putting in something to make things easier for her, but she insisted that maintaining the architectural stability and integrity was more important. Which made Clarke protest even more. It was their first official fight of their new place. Clarke's since learned to listen to Raven when she asks for help, rather than assume she needs it. That kind of thing didn't always come easy, but after so many years of building a life together, they manage it now. 

She doesn’t expect to hear her come down only a few minutes later. 

“They’re in the Tower,” Raven says when she’s back downstairs. “God knows if they’ll ever come down. You know they’ve got enough candy up there to feed a small army.”

Murphy frowns. “Their tower?”

Clarke explains, “The top of the firehouse. We converted it into a kind of clubhouse type of thing when we first moved in.” She huffs. “And, only they are allowed up there.” She looks at Raven. “They locked the hatch, I’m guessing.”

She nods. “And you know they probably dragged a chair over it or something, too.”

It confirms some of her worst fears. If Madi and Robin are up there, then they really have no intention of hearing them out. Clarke doesn’t blame them a bit, but it does make things even more complicated. It means they’ll have to play a waiting game. One she doesn’t know if she and Raven will be able to win. Madi and Robin got double the amount of stubbornness from the combination of all of their parents. She wouldn’t be surprised if they made it hours up there without giving in. 

“So, what do we do?” Bellamy asks.

Clarke sighs. “We wait.”

Murphy doesn’t like it. “You kidding? What don’t we just storm the Tower or whatever it is.”

Raven sucks at her teeth and Clarke knows she’s holding in her emotions as best she can. “Look, if they don’t want to talk right now, then we have to respect that. They just learned that we’ve been lying to them for their whole lives. I think we can afford some time for them to decide what _they_ want.”

Clarkes nods in agreement and it makes Raven release some of the tension she knows she’s been holding in. She stands with her completely. They haven’t always seen eye-to-eye on raising the girls. Sometimes, there have been bitter fights. They do agree on how to protect them though, and the other most important parts of being a parent. It’s why they’ve been able to become such a unit over the years. Mutual respect and understanding. 

She looks at Bellamy and wonders if they’ll ever have that, or if it is too late to even hope for it. Or if he even wants that. 

He stares back at her and she thinks he might be thinking the same thing. The idea that he might want to be a dad to Madi never occurred to her until he found out the truth. Given their last conversation, she always figured he’d never want that. It makes her feel like she might be sick, the idea that she made such a monumental mistake. 

Then he opens his mouth, and that idea disappears as soon as it was formed. 

“What do you expect us to say to them?” he demands. “‘Sorry, I know you’ve only met me twice, but unfortunately I happen to be your dad who never knew you existed’? Or maybe, ‘Look, I know I’m meant to be your other parent, but I really don’t think I’m up to the task’?” He shakes his head. “From where I see it, there’s not really anything that _can_ be said.”

Of course, he doesn’t want to be Madi’s dad. She should’ve put it together earlier, but these words convince her of it fully. He plans to tell Madi that he isn’t ready and probably never will be to be fully in her life. More pain and heartache and loss, that’s what is in store for her daughter. Clarke’s learning that even as she does her best, she can’t protect her from the things that will hurt her most. It’s something she knows she probably would’ve learned eventually, but she thought she had more time. 

Clarke opens her mouth to reply, but doesn’t get the room. 

Octavia jumps in, from the table where her and their other friends have been in a mix of shock and painful silence. 

“Bell, what are you saying? That you’re gonna bail?” She crosses her arms over her chest and shakes her head in disbelief. “Please tell me that’s not how you think this whole thing should best be handled.”

Clarke wants to intervene, but doesn’t have the chance before Bellamy fires back, “That’s sure as hell rich coming from _you_ since you’re the one who’s kept the fact that I fathered a damn kid from me for over a decade.”

Octavia stiffens and Lincoln looks concerned between the two siblings. 

To her credit, or maybe to Clarke’s dread, she doesn’t back down even a bit. “Given how you’re reacting, and what you said to Clarke back then, I don’t see why you’re surprised.”

“Surprised?” he seethes. “I can’t believe you did this.”

Octavia looks at Lincoln, and Clarke notices he squeezes her hand under the table.

“I wanted to protect Madi,” she says. “After all, she’s my family, too.” 

Bellamy scoffs. “Yeah, some family we are.”

This is another thing that she’s been most afraid of when it comes to the secret. Octavia and Bellamy haven’t been close as they once were in years. Really, since Octavia dropped out of school. There’s too much pain and betrayal. Trapped in a dynamic where they could never get quite right. Clarke thinks it’s part of the reason Octavia was okay with keeping Madi from him and not telling her that she was Madi’s aunt. Still. That isn’t enough to erase the guilt she feels for driving another wedge between them. Living with the lies was hard, yes, but she’s just now understanding how badly the truth will fracture everything. 

She isn’t sure if any of them will ever be whole again, and all because her and Raven were scared. Yes, they wanted to protect their kids, but the fact is that they were terrified to face a world in which Bellamy and Murphy abandoned them. One in which they didn’t choose to do it all on their own, but were forced to do so. 

Octavia looks at all of them before replying to Bellamy, “We made the decision together to respect Clarke and Raven’s choice. It wasn’t our lives, and honestly…” She trails off and shakes her head sadly, like she doesn’t want to be saying what she is, but that there’s no way around it. 

She goes on, asking, “Can you say you were ready back then? And given how you’re talking, can you say you’re ready now? That you even want to _try_?”

Bellamy opens his mouth to say something else, but then closes it after a moment. Octavia looks down at the table, as if disappointed, as if she expected some other kind of response. Clarke can’t help but feel similar. She mistook his initial rage as him wanting to be a part of Madi’s life. Now she has confirmation that this isn’t the case. Not right now, and maybe not ever. She doesn’t know how she’ll explain this to Madi, how she’ll be able to make sense of any of it. 

“You don’t have to,” Clarke finds herself saying. She turns to Murphy and Raven. “You two can decide how you want to do this, but…” She finds some secret composure she didn’t realize she had locked away and looks back at Bellamy. “I can talk to Madi. You can go, if you want.”

The offer lies out in the open for a bit. Long enough that Clarke knows Bellamy’s seriously considering it. Here she is, giving him an out. A clear one. She knows a piece of her thinks it will be easier for him to take it. Make things simpler in terms of raising Madi. There’s a larger piece though, one she knows is hoping that he isn’t going to take it. That he’s going to choose to stay. To try. Even if it all goes to hell. 

The moment drags on and Clarke feels not just sadness anymore, but anger, too. He’s being given a chance to know the best person in the whole world, and he’s hesitating. It makes her want to throw things or let go of holding in all the ugly thoughts going through her mind.

“I…” He stops, thinking things over once more. Clarke figures he’s trying to decide the best way to let them all down. To accept her offer and flee while he still can. 

Then, because he’s Bellamy, he surprises her.

“She’s my kid, Clarke.” He nods. “Of course, I’m gonna try.”

Clarke knows her eyes go wide and she registers the shock that goes through her. Before, she’d been so sure of what he wanted. With just a few words, he's gone and changed the entire game once more. She doesn’t even know where to begin when it comes to him. 

She wants to form some kind of response to that, but before she can, she hears Madi and Robin unlock the hatch from upstairs. They descend the steps slowly. Raven and Clarke look at one another, both trying to assure the other while preparing themselves.

For a moment, no one speaks.

“We’ve decided not to hate you forever,” Robin tells them all first.

Clarke looks at Madi, whose eyes are still narrowed, but she does give her a little nod, which makes her fill with relief. No matter what happens next, she knows she can weather any of it as long as Madi doesn’t want to never speak to her again. 

“On one condition,” Madi continues. “And before you ask, no, none of you have a choice in it.”

Raven balances her weight and fidgets a bit. Clarke bets she’s feeling the same kind of tension and fear that she is. Their kids are just kids, true, but they’re also smart and know exactly how to win any situation that comes their way. If they want the four of them to be their damn puppets, Clarke knows they’ll have little choice. But considering what she kept from Madi, she’ll do anything. 

“Bellamy and Murphy, congratulations,” Robin says. “We are going to not hate you for being such dumbasses.” 

Raven opens her mouth to protest the last word, but one look from her daughter silences her. 

Murphy protests, “Hold on, how are we at fault here? I mean, come on that’s—” but the words die in his throat when Madi speaks up. 

“Given your reactions, are you sure you want to continue down that line of defense?” 

Bellamy shoots Murphy a look and he sighs and gestures for them to continue. “Go on,” he allows, “if you must.”

“Thank you.” Robin smirks, smug. “Now, where was I...Right. We’ve decided to not hate you. If, and only if, you agree to our terms. Not that you really have a real say in it, but we still want your agreement.”

“Agreement for what?” Raven asks, her brow furrowing.

“For them to have a trial period,” Madi explains. 

Clarke blinks in confusion, and she knows Bellamy, Murphy, and Raven must be just as unaware of what the girls have planned. 

As if it should be obvious by now, Madi continues, “We are going to give Bellamy and Murphy a period of time where they get to try and be dad-adjacent figures in our lives. Probation, if you will. Then, at the end of that time, we get to decide if we want them in our lives or not.” 

Bellamy’s voice is flat when he responds, “You’re kidding.”

“Nope,” Madi tells him and grins. “You made your choices,” this is said to Clarke, and then she turns back to Bellamy. "And since we have to all live with them, we get to make the rules now.”

Robin nods in agreement. “Exactly.” She waves a hand at Murphy and Bellamy. “Thus, Trial Dads.”

Murphy screws up his face. “You cannot be serious.”

“Oh, but we are,” Robin says. 

Clarke doesn’t need more explanation to know just how much business the two of them mean, that there’s no way for any of them to get out of this. Not that she is even thinking about arguing. They’re right, after all. Clarke and Raven made their choice, and in the end, hurt Madi and Robin with it. Now, they have to do whatever they wish in order to rectify it. Even if that means having Bellamy and Murphy back in their lives. If only for a little while. The thought is a cruel one, but she can't imagine Bellamy and Murphy actually passing whatever the girls have in store. Despite her thinking, she feels a part of her yearn for him to actually succeed. 

Robin shrugs. “Rest assured, if you totally fail, we’ll kick you to the curb gladly. But for now, you guys are all our bitch.” 

“Most definitely,” Madi confirms. Then she goes on, “Now, if we’re going to do this right, then we need to talk.” 

She looks from Bellamy to Clarke, and turns and goes up the stairs to her room, and Clarke knows she’s sure they’ll follow. 

Raven opens her mouth to say something, maybe a plea of some sort, but Robin beats her to it. “You,” she looks at Raven, and then to Murphy, “and you. My room. Now.”

If it had been any other situation, Clarke might’ve laughed. She’s never heard Robin sound quite like her mom so much before. Her voice all authoritative, leaving no room for any kind of discussion. Suddenly, the roles are switched, and they’re like the children with the girls being the parents. 

Clarke thinks to herself as she follows Madi up the winding staircase that that might not be so far from the truth. 

* * *

Murphy thinks he’s going to take Raven to court. Not for custody, because he isn’t even sure he’s ready to be a part of Robin's life at all, let alone raise her. No, he wants some kind of recognition that she lied to him and majorly messed up his entire life. For twelve goddamn years. About something as monumental as a child. _His_ child. He swallows thickly. Just the thought of it still makes him uneasy with emotions he isn’t sure he even has the ability to process. 

Raven and him are sitting on Robin’s bed. She stares at the both of them, seated in her desk chair. Glowering at them with enough malice that Murphy's never been so sure that she's got his DNA, that she got it from him. There’s no way they’re getting out this unscathed. Maybe with any other kid, but this is his and Raven’s kid. So, there’s no fucking way. 

The only thing that makes him feel even a bit better is that Bellamy’s going through the same thing. At least when this is all over, he’ll have someone to drink with who truly understands. Though he doesn’t know Madi or Robin well (yet), he’s expecting it will be a similar kind of treatment Clarke and Bellamy deal with as the kind him and Raven are about to receive. 

“Robin, I need you to know how sorry—” Raven begins, but Robin holds up a hand and she quiets. 

“I know you’re sorry,” she says. “But that doesn’t make up for what you did to me. I even think I know why you did it. I know you were trying to protect me, and believe me, I get it, but that doesn’t make it any better.”

Raven swallows and nods. “I know.”

Robin rolls her eyes when Raven continues to look as if she might cry. “Don’t look so pitiful. I told you I wasn’t gonna hate you forever, remember? As long as you agree to the deal.” She cuts a look at Murphy for the first time since Raven started to speak. “Both of you.”

“Why should I?” Murphy can’t help but argue. 

Raven kicks at his ankle, but Robin replies, “Because, you are my dad. And now that you know I exist, it would be pretty dickish for you to simply skip out on me. I mean, imagine the therapy bills. Especially since I’m being nice enough to give you a chance and not immediately writing you off.”

He isn’t sure that ‘nice’ would ever be a word he’d use to describe Robin from his experience of their interactions. He knows she does have a point though. Even if she is laying it on a bit thick. It doesn’t matter, he realizes. He has to do this. Has to at least go through whatever trial period she’s allowing. If he doesn’t, then he’s not just a dick, he’s a deadbeat. A shitty parent who doesn't care about their kid.

Murphy’s aware that he is many things, but that is one that he vowed to himself that he would never be, long before he got Raven pregnant. 

He sighs and nods. “Fair point.”

Robin brightens. “I like to think so.”

Murphy stops himself from rolling his eyes, but he knows Raven catches it if the look she gives him is any indication.

“Love that we’re all in agreement,” Robin goes on. “Finally, we can go over the logistics of how this is going to work.”

“How in depth is this grace period?” Raven asks. 

“Madi and I are very thorough,” Robin simply replies. 

Raven considers this. “True.”

Robin looks from Murphy to Raven, assessing their reactions and giving them both a hard stare. Murphy doesn’t say it, but knows the look isn’t necessary, they’re going to do her bidding, no matter what it entails. 

“So, here’s out it’s going to work,” she says, grinning more and more as she keeps talking. 

“You are both going to have a certain amount of time to prove to us that you can be our dads.” 

In a very serious tone that doesn’t leave any room for questions, she keeps going, “We don’t expect perfection, but we do expect you to try. Madi and I have a date in mind for when the trial ends, but we aren’t going to say when that is. Just know that if you pass, then you’re golden and can stay in our lives. But if you don’t, then we will have another talk about what that means, and fundamentally, how you’re gonna be out on your ass.”

She pulls out a notebook from under the chair and flips to a page, as if she's looking at notes. He wouldn't be surprised if that was actually the case. “We will be keeping up with your progress. In exchange for you,” she looks at Raven, “allowing the trial to go on and not sabotaging it, I won’t hate you forever for keeping my father from me.”

Raven looks like she wants to protest everything Robin just said, but Murphy’s sure that she knows better. After a moment, she nods. 

“Alright,” she tells Robin. “I guess I can agree to those terms.”

“And you?” Robin asks.

“Fine,” Murphy lets out, he looks down at Robin. “But I do have one question.”

She contemplates this for a second before allowing for it, which he knows might be a trick. “Very well.”

“What happens if one of us passes and the other doesn’t?” he asks. 

Robin shakes her head. “I highly doubt that is going to happen.”

Murphy responds, “Humor me.”

She huffs. “Fine. We did discuss that possibility. In that case, consider yourselves a team. Either you succeed together or fail together.”

“How is that fair?” he can’t stop himself from questioning. 

She raises a brow and doesn’t accept it for a moment. “Well, me going through almost twelve years of my life without one of my parents only to find out he’s a total man-child isn’t exactly fair to me, is it?”

He gapes at her for moment. The freakin' mouth on this kid. “I suppose you have a point,” he grumbles out. “I agree, alright?” He raises his hands in surrender. Robin narrows her eyes, but seems to accept this. 

But after he says that, he rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath, “Man-child, seriously?”

“Yes,” Robin shoots back, grave, unamused gaze unwavering. “I am quite serious. And if you wouldn’t mind, I need you both to sign the official contract.”

She goes to her desk and pulls out a piece of resume paper. The fancy, super thick stock that Murphy’s definitely never purchased before. 

“What is…” Raven starts but Madi hands it to her with a pen and book to lean on. 

“Your signature and the date, please,” Robin instructs.

“Are you serious?” Murphy asks, looking over the language in the contract over Raven’s shoulder. 

There’s nothing shocking or soul-signing-away there. It’s basically everything she’s already told them. The language is a bit more flowery, though a little overdone. Plus, they've thrown in some fancy words, most of which aren’t even used correctly, which he guesses he should expect from eleven-year-olds. 

Raven looks up at Robin. “Are you?” She clears her throat. “Serious, I mean.”

“Yes,” Robin immediately responds. She taps the contact with her finger. “Your signature goes here.”

Raven’s eyes scan the contract once more before she shakes her head and nods. “Okay, yeah. This...Well, I guess this is what I get.”

Then she signs the thing and hands it off to Murphy. 

Though he knows the contract is pretty simple, that it doesn’t entail him becoming beholden to Robin’s every whim, he can’t help but feel he’s making a deal with the devil by signing it. But it’s not as if he has much of a choice. Sure, he could walk away right now. Be free. Let go of ever knowing Robin, of being in her life in any kind of capacity. That wouldn’t be right though, as much as it’d be easy. 

So, with a flourish of a pen, he damns himself. 

Here goes nothing, he thinks to himself as Robin takes the contract back, a smirk developing on her face. 

“Okay.” Robin’s tone is completely different, light, as if she wasn't just doing her best impression of a TV lawyer. “We can go eat ice cream now. Plus, we can explain how this is going to work to everyone else, too.”

She leaves her room, and Murphy goes to follow, but before he can, Raven stops him. 

“Thank you,” she says.

He frowns. “For what?”

Her voice is at a whisper when she tells him, “For agreeing to do this.”

He scoffs out, “Not like I had a choice.”

Raven just rolls her eyes, unimpressed. “Please, of course, you did.”

It’s not a warm and fuzzy moment. Not one of flirting or goading one another. It’s almost sad, if he didn’t know the two of them any better. He wonders if this is some new beginning for the two of them. One where they are co-parents or something weird like that. He isn’t sure. What he is sure of is that Raven almost sounds grateful. It occurs to him that his accepting the trial helped Robin, more than he figured at first. Sure, it’s not perfect, but he knows he could’ve hurt her, if he really didn’t give a shit. 

It’s weird, Raven showing gratitude towards him for not hurting her kid. Not at all the kind of interaction he thought they’d ever have. But not entirely awful. As they make their way downstairs, he spots Robin and Madi doing some kind of impression for Miller and corrects himself from his previous thought. 

It’s not just Raven’s kid he’s chosen not to hurt (at least, not right away). She’s his kid, too. 

Murphy feels that eating ice cream with everyone is already the first part of the trial, even though Robin hasn’t given him a green light or a, ‘May the odds be ever in your favor’. So, he does what any grown man who’s trying to prove himself a worthy dad to a tween. He sits down at the table and eats a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough and prays like hell that this isn't about to be the hardest thing he's ever done.

But of course, it is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	6. Boys Will Be Bugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies. I apologize for the slight hiatus this fic took, but I had some life stuff I had to deal with and things got away from me a little. That said, I am so excited to share this chapter with you. It kicks off the "trial dads" period to a rough start and features Clarke and Raven trying to make good with their kids and Murphy and Bellamy. It was a fun one to write, so hopefully you enjoy it!
> 
> I have also updated the chapter count for this story. This is subject to change, but it will probably stay around 30. 
> 
> In case you didn't know, there's a wonderful initiative going on for t100 fandom called t100fic-for-blm. Learn more about us and how to prompt a writer or content creator with our carrd [here](https://t100fic-for-blm.carrd.co/).
> 
> Find the playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/655N2Hp3cJLvd0lVHFJUQY?si=yZRzGnaKRyOQI0zUpyuJ_w). 
> 
> *Chapter title is from 'Boys Will Be Bugs' by Cavetown*
> 
> Sending all the love and good thoughts to you 💜

Bellamy doesn’t know the first thing about being a dad, something which becomes overwhelmingly clear on his first day as a “trial dad”. 

To call it a relatively awkward and unfortunate situation would be too generous. 

He arrives on time at Clarke and Raven’s place, with Murphy in tow, on a Saturday morning. They take off from the restaurant after giving out the schedule and making plans for service that night, shocking their staff by telling them they’re spending the day with their daughters.

One server, Monroe, remarked, “I didn’t know you both had a family.”

To which Murphy replied (before Bellamy could stop him), “We don’t.” He shrugged. “Just offspring, apparently.”

No one had the guts to ask any questions about what he meant. 

Bellamy gets off of his bike, and Murphy pulls up in his Audi near their place. 

“How bad do you think this is going to go?” he asks.

Bellamy waves him off. ‘We’re gonna be fine.”

Murphy snorts. “Yeah, maybe if they were anyone else’s kids but Raven’s and Clarke’s.”

He can’t deny that he has a point. Despite that, he still wants to have faith in himself and Murphy that they won’t entirely ruin this. Mostly because after Madi sat him and Clarke down and instructed them exactly how this was going to go, he thought that she must really be his kid. It’s a strange thought, not one he’s used to in any way or form. Hell, he still isn’t sure that he really wants this. But Madi’s impossible to argue with, he’s discovered.

And the last thing he wants to be is a deadbeat like O’s dad. 

Murphy tosses Bellamy his gift for Madi. It was Murphy’s idea to bring them presents. He doesn’t know how it’s meant to help the situation, but he went along with it anyway. Anything to try and win some points. 

“You don’t really think it’s gonna be that terrible, do you?” he asks as they approach the firehouse.

Murphy shakes his head. “Of course not.” Bellamy feels relieved, but only for a moment because then he adds, “I think it is going to be much, much worse.”

Bellamy rolls his shoulders and jumps a little as they ring the doorbell. 

Murphy grins. “Preparing for a fight there, buddy?”

He shoots him a glare. “Shut up. Like you don’t feel the same way.”

Murphy feigns nonchalance. “I don’t know what you mean. This might be a shit show waiting to happen, but I’m perfectly at ease about it.”

Unluckily for them, Raven opens the door at the exact moment Murphy says that. If the look she gives them is anything to go by, she definitely heard what he said. Great. He suspects Murphy’s right. This _is_ going to be much, much worse than he thought possible. 

“The girls are just getting ready for soccer practice,” Raven explains. “You can wait for them and then take them.”

Murphy and Bellamy exchange a look at the mention of them taking Madi and Robin to soccer practice, but neither one of them offer up the fact that both of their rides aren’t equipped for eleven-year-olds. 

“Is that gonna be a problem?” she asks.

Bellamy shakes his head. “‘Course not.”

Raven pauses for a moment and just stares at them, but then she gestures for the two of them to come inside. She eyes the gifts in their hands but says nothing. It speaks volumes though and Bellamy begins to doubt their choices. Bellamy looks around the firehouse once they’re in the main space. Clarke comes out of the kitchen a moment later, sipping coffee. She also looks at the toys in their hands and grins a little, but also says nothing. 

He doesn’t have the time to ask what’s so funny to them about giving something to Madi and Robin because then they both come bounding down the stairs. 

They pause in front of Bellamy and Murphy.

“Ready to officially start your trial period?” Madi asks, getting right to it. 

He doesn’t know why he expected anything else from her, but her straightforwardness does take him somewhat by surprise. She’s only a kid, but seems much more mature than he remembers O being. It throws him a little, so it takes him a moment to reply. 

He clears his throat and gets out, “So, you play soccer huh?”

Madi looks down at her uniform and then back at him. “Amazing critical thinking skills.”

Bellamy has no idea what to even say in response. He coughs while trying to think of something and ends up eyeing Clarke warily. 

At first, she only sips from her coffee cup, but then she tells Madi, “Try not to go too hard on him just yet.”

Madi looks like she wants to roll her eyes, but she sighs and agrees, “I suppose that can be arranged.” She points a finger at her mom. “But don’t think you’re not still on thin ice just because I’m allowing it.”

Clarke raises a hand in surrender. “No worries there, I’m perfectly aware of that fact.”

Madi nods. “As long as you are.” She turns her attention back to Bellamy, waiting for him to say something else, probably. 

If only he had any kind of idea of what more he should say in this moment. 

“Oh.” He remembers the gift in his hand and reaches it out to Madi. “This is for you.”

Murphy, seemingly finally finding his ability to do anything, hands Robin her gift as well. He offers an uncomfortable smile. Robin and Madi stare at the gifts in their hands and then back at Bellamy and Murphy.

When they bought them at the Target a few blocks away from the restaurant, he figured they’d done pretty well. Except Robin looked at her present, a Bratz doll, like it had some kind of disease. Madi seemed to feel similarly about her Princess Pegasus that lit up and everything. 

“You’re serious?” Madi asks.

“This is like...Being ironic, right?” Robin adds. 

Murphy looks over at Bellamy with a frown. 

“No…?” Murphy tells Robin.

Bellamy nods towards the gift. “Is it not your thing?”

Madi shakes her head in disgust. “It was.” She huffs out, as if he is the most obvious person alive (and maybe he is), “When I was like _five_.”

“I don’t think I was ever the type to go for Barbie dolls.” Robin shakes her head, as if Murphy has disappointed her greatly. Neither one of them has the guts to tell her the distinction between Barbies and Bratz, not that Bellamy himself is sure there is one. 

Bellamy thinks that they probably have—here the girls were forcing them to be their dads, and it still wasn’t enough. The attitude, seriously. So what if Bellamy wasn’t sure what eleven-year-olds were into these days? A few days ago, he didn’t even know he _had a kid_. 

He figures Madi should cut him a bit of slack, considering he’s new at this whole thing. Besides, it’s not like he _has_ to go along with her little trial game. He could just bail. 

As soon as he thinks it, he’s ashamed. It’s not like him to just quit on his responsibilities. Sure, he doesn’t take any on that he doesn’t absolutely have to since Octavia and him drifted apart, but that’s a whole other issue. 

He and his sister have only spoken a little bit about what happened, why she kept Clarke’s secret, and how they managed to go from incredibly close to the kind of family that didn’t tell one another life-altering news. He wants to get it, he does. But then he looks at Madi and thinks about all the years he wasn’t there and how Clarke could’ve done this and it spirals until he starts to feel dizzy. 

Clarke gives Madi a loaded look though and she grumbles out, “Thank you though. I appreciate the effort.” 

Raven stares down Robin.

“We both do,” Robin says, droll. 

Bellamy doesn’t buy it for a moment, but it’s entertaining to see the dynamics at work here. He wonders how the hell he and Murphy are meant to fit in with them. What their own place with Madi and Robin will be. If they pass their trial period, that is—Bellamy knows it’s conditional. Which is ridiculous, but given how his interactions with Madi have included thus far, not completely unfounded. 

Raven claps her hands and disrupts the awkward silence that descends after only a moment. 

“Come on, guys, get your stuff. You’ll be late to practice if you don’t stop talking the guys’ ears off.”

Murphy snorts and rolls his eyes at her. Then he makes a face and tries for a smile. It looks vaguely uncomfortable. 

“How far of a walk is the park where your practice is at?” he asks. 

Clarke responds, “You gotta drive. It’s in the West side of the city. Plus, they’re bringing the snack today.” She motions between them. “Which one of you guys’ cars do you want to take?”

Bellamy and Murphy just look at one another. 

“What?” Raven asks, narrowing her eyes, all suspicion. 

“Um…” Murphy trails off. 

Minutes later, they’re outside and standing in front of Bellamy and Murphy’s rides. Clarke and Raven mirror each other’s posture, both have their arms crossed and are glowering. 

“Oh, hell no,” Raven says.

“Most definitely effing not,” Clarke adds.

“Are you actually crazy?” Raven demands from Murphy. She gestures to his Audi. “Were you seriously considering taking my kid in a death trap waiting to be wrapped around a telephone pole? It doesn’t even have a backseat!”

Clarke turns to Bellamy. “And you. What? Were you just gonna take my daughter on a death trap? The hell was your idea: that you and Madi would go on some wild adventure on the highway?” He rolls his eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes at me,” she adds, sounding a little too hot for his liking. 

God. He needs to cool it. Because if Clarke’s pissed now, if she thinks he wants to flirt with her, there’s no telling what she’ll do. He can’t let anything happen anyway. Madi would definitely get the wrong idea, and probably Clarke, too. He might be doing the ‘dad’ thing, but he’s definitely not doing the _family_ thing. 

He gives her a look and when she doesn’t let up, he shrugs and replies, “It’s a city! I figured we’d walk or something to the park. I didn’t realize you went halfway across downtown to get Madi to soccer practice.”

“It’s our travel team,” Madi explains helpfully. “We practice there to give equal access to kids in different parts of the city.”

During this exchange, her and Robin have just watched. Maybe a little too delighted. When Madi first saw the motorcycle, she did seem excited at the prospect of riding it. But Clarke shut that down real quick. It could’ve been fun, he thinks, but it’s definitely not happening now. 

Murphy defends himself, “Look, this is a piece of art, okay? I thought you of all people would understand that this beauty far exceeds the need for ‘safety’.” The last word he puts in quotes. Bellamy tries to get him to stop while he’s ahead, but Raven’s already stewing. 

“Maybe I did,” she agrees. “ _Before I had a damn kid_.”

Murphy gets right in her face and Bellamy shoots him a look but it’s useless because he’s saying, “Yeah, and forgot to tell me about her!”

“Hey!” Clarke calls out before the two of them can start going down an even worse hole. 

She looks over at Bellamy, and he gives her a nod. At least they can be in agreement that more fighting isn’t going to get them anywhere. Especially with Madi and Robin watching. 

“Let’s just get them to practice,” Bellamy says. He nods to Clarke. “Can I borrow your keys?”

She nods. “Alright, but at this point we might as well come along, too.”

Bellamy gives her a look. “You don’t trust us with the kids for a minute, do you?”

“No,” Madi jumps in. “She doesn’t.” She seems to consider the situation for a moment before adding, “But Mom can come to soccer practice, I guess.”

Robin looks over at her own mom and Murphy. “You two ready to play nice and act like adults?”

Raven gives her a guilty look and nods. She nudges Murphy and he agrees, too.

“Great.” Clarke grins and gestures back towards the garage of the old firehouse. “To the minivan!”

“You’re not serious?” Bellamy asks after a moment, groaning.

She grins and shoves at him to move along. “Oh, very serious. It’s got Madi’s school’s bumper sticker on it and everything.”

He looks up toward the sky and then at her. “What color is it?”

She smirks. “Periwinkle.”

“Fuck me,” he mutters. 

“No thank you,” she whispers back.

Before he even has time to form a response, she jogs over to Madi, helping her load her soccer stuff plus the clementines and water into the car. 

It throws him off a little, the fact that, he’s pretty sure, Clarke might’ve just flirted with him. A little. But no, he reminds himself. That’s way too messy. As fun as it would be, it’s best left undisturbed and unfulfilled. 

Bellamy gets up front with Clarke, much to Raven’s dismay. But he called the seat as they were still putting the girls’ stuff in the minivan. Madi surprisingly is the one to defend him. 

“Shotgun is sacred,” she tells them all.

Clarke grins and shrugs. “Very well.”

She flips on the radio and looks in the rearview mirror when a song comes on. Bellamy thinks he might recognize the tune, but not as something he _enjoys_. Rather, as something O probably forced him to listen to a thousand times. 

As the song starts, Bellamy remembers it and also remembers how much he absolutely _hates_ it. 

To his utmost horror, Raven, Clarke, Robin, and Madi all begin to sing when the chorus hits. 

_If I could fall into the sky_

_Do you think time would pass me by?_

_Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles_

_If I could just see you tonight_

Murphy stares at them with an expression that Bellamy knows matches his own as they continue on. They sing happily, as if this is a perfectly normal occurrence and not something out of an early 2000s romcom. Bellamy’s appalled, for a number of reasons. Mostly because he never pictured _this_ would be his life. 

Not to discredit Clarke or Madi, but he thinks he’s cooler than this. 

A lot cooler, frankly. Unfortunately, this _is_ his life now. At least until Madi’s decided he’s failed the trial period. Which is probable, given their start. Surprisingly, the thought doesn’t give him the sense of relief he expects. He doesn’t have time to unpack that though, because the song switches to another one. The four of them continue to sing along to it, but it’s not nearly as in sync or perfected as their take on Vanessa Carlton. For which he isn’t sure if he’s grateful or not. 

They arrive at the park and Madi and Robin bound out of the car, grabbing their bags from the trunk. Which leaves Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, and Murphy. It occurs to him that while they’ve had a few short conversations since _the_ _reveal_ , this is the first time they’ll spend a substantial amount of time together. 

Murphy and Bellamy offer to carry the snack and water to the bleachers, and Raven and Clarke actually let them. After that, they take seats all together with the other parents. He notices how Raven purposefully puts some distance between her and Murphy and him and Clarke. He pretends not to notice as he checks out one mom who looks only slightly older than them. When he looks back at the field, he catches Clarke rolling her eyes, but she doesn’t say anything. 

“Sorry,” he says, as if it’s somehow a personal offense for him, a single guy, to check out a woman. 

“No, you’re not,” she replies. He gives her an unimpressed look and Clarke lets out a slow breath. “I didn’t…Look, I promised Madi I work on having an actual conversation with you about this.”

He eyes the soccer field. “And you chose now to have said conversation?”

“I’m trying not to psych myself out,” she explains.

He gestures for her to continue.

“Thanks,” she says. Then she takes another breath, nodding as if to reassure herself. “Madi tells me I have to try to explain myself to you, to try and make sense of why I did what I did.” She winces. “We’ve already had a long talk ourselves. One of what’s bound to be many.”

He snorts. “Yeah, keeping a parent from a kid might warrant that.” She cuts him a look and he adds, “But I’m willing to listen.”

Mostly because he, too, wants to understand more of why she did what she did. He isn’t an idiot. He knows what he _seems_ like. But he raised O okay, even though he’s definitely planning on having a series of long talks with her about their relationship once everything calms down. Clarke isn’t the only one he wants answers from, after all. 

“I don’t expect you to understand, I know it doesn’t make sense to you, nor should it,” she starts. “But, at the time, I was terrified. I was a kid and had no idea how to raise one. I didn’t realize until too late that I’d made a mistake, and then I figured…” 

She looks down at her hands, as if they hold the words she wants to get out. Her eyes go up and find Madi on the field. Bellamy follows them and sees a hint of the fear that used to be there. Despite it all, he can’t help but be sympathetic. 

“I know we weren’t close, but I thought I knew you. What you wanted.” She huffs out a sigh. “And I thought the last thing you’d want is to have your life ruined by me and a baby.”

“I still deserved to know,” he says, feeling a little pissed but not as much as he expected. “I wouldn’t have thought you having my kid would ruin my life, Clarke.” He swallows, and he knows she sees it for the lie it is, for the lie he wants to be true but knows isn’t quite. 

She smiles sadly. “It’s okay, Bellamy. I understand. I know you might not be able to understand why I did what I did, and I know there’s no excuse, but I see your side.”

He hates that he can’t defend it more. The truth is, he probably would’ve thought that her having a baby in college was the worst thing they could do. Maybe it’s different now, with both of them having stable jobs and being relatively stable people. But back then? He isn’t that foolish to ignore how he acted, what he told everyone he wanted. Even if he knows his reaction would’ve been to step up, he can see why Clarke wouldn’t think that.

More than his own behavior though, he can see Clarke making this impossible decision, deciding that she’s better off alone. That she could manage fine without anyone’s help. Not wanting his resentment or to ruin his chances of having a life after O. A life full of instability in the restaurant industry where frequently he and Murphy had to scrape together rent at the last minute. It would be no way to raise a kid. Hell, he can see that just looking at Clarke’s life. She isn’t a renowned surgeon like her mom. She has an impressive job as a nurse, yes, and he knows from his friends that she’s damn good at it, but having Madi brought its sacrifices. Can he really say that, especially now that he has the restaurant and everything he ever dreamed, that he would give it all up without thinking?

It throws Bellamy, how much that he isn’t sure. He doesn’t like what it says about him and that it might give Clarke more credit than he’d ever like. It’s the truth though. There’s no hiding from that. Especially, he’s learning, from Clarke. 

He shakes his head, trying to clear it. “So where do we go from here?”

She looks over at him, away from the field and Madi. “We do our best to be parents, ones that hopefully don’t fight in front of our kid.” She chews on her lip. “I have no idea how this will work, and I know I’m gonna screw up sometimes, but we don’t have a choice.” She smiles a bit. “Madi’s going to take ‘no’ as an answer.”

Bellamy likes to think that if Clarke told him the truth he would’ve stepped up, but he knows it’s more complicated than that. He knows that Clarke had no way of being sure of that. For the first time since he found out the truth, he starts to understand why she didn’t tell him about Madi. It doesn’t make up for what happened, but it’s something. Especially when he already feels like he’s failing in the dad department. 

“You really think I’m gonna pass this trial period?” He nods to the field. “‘Cause from where I’m standing, I haven’t really excelled.”

She thinks it over. “Madi wants you to though. So, just try, okay?” She stares him down, he almost squirms, but luckily manages to hold it in. “Because she deserves everything.” 

At least on that front, Bellamy knows they’re in agreement. 

He eyes Murphy across Clarke and Raven. Without asking, he knows Raven and him have had a similar talk. He can see it in the way Murphy looks a little stiff, and the slight shake of his head. He and his best friend are really in it now, he thinks. But they don’t have a choice. Not when they’ve got kids counting on them to not royally screw them up. 

* * *

In the two weeks that follow the first outing with Bellamy and Murphy, things actually start to fall into place. Bellamy and Murphy improve, slowly, and with a couple of missteps. Mainly because they don’t show up at the firehouse with gifts for little kids and actually seem more interested in getting to know Madi and Robin. 

They all go out for burgers, just the four of them, no Clarke and Raven. Madi reports back that the trial is still on-going but that she’s getting to know Bellamy and doesn’t “completely think he’s a weirdo with no prospects of being a good dad,” so that’s something.

When she tells Bellamy this, he laughs over the phone. “That’s me. Glowing reviews only from here on out.”

Clarke rolls her eyes but she smiles, too. As nervous as she is by the whole situation, she wants him to succeed too. She can’t imagine the pain Madi would feel if he didn’t try, and the disappointment Clarke would do her best to soothe all while knowing there would be nothing she could really do. 

Bellamy’s trying, so she figures she has to as well. 

Clarke tries to not overthink it too much. She knows there’s a lot for her and Bellamy to discuss still, even after their talk at soccer practice. But it’s nice, having someone to take Madi to practice or pick up from school (which is within walking distance of her home, thankfully). 

The rough start left her wary, but by the time the second week finishes, she’s realizing the extent of her mistake of not telling Bellamy. That she was wrong to think he wouldn’t step up, and that she dismissed him too quickly. Yes, of course, there’s growing pains. But she knows now that she’s impacted Madi’s life detrimentally, and that’s one hard truth to confront. 

She invites Octavia over, trying to see if she’s decided to hate her after all given what the secret’s done to her and Bellamy’s relationship. 

Raven offers to take the girls to a movie, but at the last minute, Robin and Madi invite their friend Charlotte to go with them and slyly get Raven to back out. The two of them joke that they’re not ready for Robin and Madi to grow up, but now that it’s actually happening, Clarke feels the fear deep in her chest. She can’t protect Madi from everything though. Even if she’d like to. 

Octavia brings wine over and the three of them avoid the topic of Bellamy and Murphy for a whole twenty minutes before Octavia finally cracks. 

“Okay, that’s it, if you guys don’t start talking about them, then I think I’m gonna lose my damn mind talking about Madi’s crush on Ethan.”

Clarke and Raven look at one another, and hesitate.

Octavia finishes off her glass of wine and pours more. “Seriously,” she says. “I know this talk is long over-do. And if you want to know, me and Bellamy are trying to understand each other, too. So I’ve got stuff I need to talk through.”

Going blindly into the conversation, not knowing where it will lead, she tells Octavia, “I feel awful about it all.”

Octavia clinks her glass against her own. “Here, here.” She turns serious a moment later and adds, “Bell and I are going to therapy.”

Raven blinks for a moment, taking it in before she asks, solemn, “Because of us? Because of what we did? I…” She nods. “That makes sense, but I’m so sorry, Octavia.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t be,” she gives Clarke a loaded look, “I knew what I was doing when I decided to keep the truth from him. And it isn’t just that, you know that.” 

Clarke is only slightly relieved to hear that, but even still, she blames herself completely for the issues between Octavia and Bellamy. Even when she knows it isn’t the whole truth of it. The two of them struggled ever since Octavia turned eighteen, for almost as long as she’s known the Blakes. It does reassure her that at least Bellamy is open to working things out with his sister, but she still feels all the guilt of making their rift even greater. Not only for Bellamy’s sake, but Octavia’s as well. She’s grown close to her over the years, and hates to think that she caused her more pain. 

Octavia continues, “We’ve had our issues for a while. Honestly, this is long, long overdue. Maybe now we’ll have the chance to be a ‘normal’ brother and sister, instead of whatever dynamic we’ve had going since Mom died. I just want you both to know I don’t blame you. I made my own decision as an adult, and now I gotta live with that.” 

She swirls her wine glass and looks down for a moment before meeting Clarke’s eyes once more. “I wish things could’ve been different for you both and for Bell. But we’re living with the reality that we have. So, we have to make that one work. Even if it means sorting through it with a woman named Charmaine Diyoza on a couch once a week.”

Clarke lets out a sigh and tells her, “Thank you. For not hating our guts.”

Octavia nods. Then she smiles, tentative at first, but eventually, lets it fully take over her face. “You know what is good news though?”

Raven looks at Clarke and then back at Octavia. “Please, enlighten us. We could use some.”

Octavia grins. “I can finally live up to my Cool Aunt potential.”

Clarke laughs, though she shouldn’t be surprised by how easily Octavia lightens the mood. “I think Madi sees all of you as her pseudo family even before she found out the truth.”

Octavia shrugs. “But now I’ll be able to spoil her and ruin your parenting in an official capacity.”

Though she knows it isn’t an empty threat, Clarke grins and sips from her wine. Since the truth came out, she’s been a mess of worry and feeling like a failure. At the very least a terrible person. But for this night, she’s appreciative of Octavia, and actually feels like things might not always be so awful for all of them. She isn’t naïve enough to think that everything will be solved in such a short amount of time. Bellamy’s going to be angry with her for a while. And Octavia and her need to sort out where they stand, too. For now though, she’s just grateful that her worst fear happened, and her life hasn’t entirely fallen apart yet. 

Madi’s still happy, still herself. That’s as much as Clarke thinks she deserves to ask for. 

A few days later, Madi comes home with Bellamy from school. Usually, he only sticks around for a few minutes. They make small talk and Madi ditches them quickly. 

This time though, Madi comes into the kitchen and tells Clarke that she, Bellamy, and Clarke need to have a talk. 

She feels the familiar spark of nerves, but does her best to calm them. It doesn’t work. The only thing that makes her feel slightly better is that Bellamy is clearly nervous too when Madi sits across from them on the coffee table while they take seats on the couch. 

It feels a lot like an interrogation.

“Bellamy,” Madi says first, looking at him. Then she turns to her. “Clarke.”

Bellamy raises his brows at Clarke but then looks at Madi. “Madi,” he says.

That does make Clarke smile, but only a little because then Madi huffs out, “This is a legit conversation. It would be a good idea to at least pretend to take it seriously.”

“Madi,” Clarke warns, knowing her tone is bordering very much on ‘mom’. 

Thankfully, Madi listens and relents. She waves a hand. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Will you please pretend to take me seriously since I am discussing my parentage and both of your status on my ‘ish list’?”

“Ish list?” Bellamy repeats.

“Not allowed to say s-h-i-t until I’m at least fourteen,” Madi explains. 

“Sixteen,” Clarke corrects. “And you spelling it out definitely counts.”

“The age is up for debate,” Madi tells Bellamy. “And it definitely does not count.”

Clarke gives her a look and Madi sighs. “Fine. Sixteen.” She grins and Madi asks, “Can I go on now?”

Clarke gestures with a hand for her to continue.

“Thank you.” Madi pulls out a notebook and pen from her backpack. “Now, you should know that I’m keeping a detailed account of the trial period, and of how you both are dealing with it.” She looks up from the notebook. “I am pleased to tell you that you’re doing well.”

Clarke suppresses a smile and exchanges a look with Bellamy, who she can tell is holding in a laugh. Despite the severity with which Madi speaks to them, she is reassured by her words. It isn’t the best of compliments, but it’s not an ‘F’ either. Knowing Madi, it could definitely be worse. 

“There are some areas for improvement though,” she goes on. 

Clarke expected this, and gives Madi the space to explain, even though it goes against every bone in her body to relinquish control like this. 

“For example, your communication with each other.”

Bellamy argues, “We communicate just fine.”

Madi shakes her head. “No, you don’t.” She turns to Clarke. “Do _you_ think you communicate well?”

“Um…” Clarke trails off, unable to really defend that.

“Exactly,” Madi interrupts. “So, I am asking you,” she eyes Clarke and then Bellamy, “please, to try and talk to each other more. If I’m going to make an informed decision about you, Bellamy, then I need to have all the data I can. At least, that’s what Robin’s doing. I don’t know much about data, but it is important to have a lot of it.”

“What’s your idea for us?” Clarke asks, figuring it’s easier to bite the bullet and get it over with. 

“Family dinners,” Madi says. “Once a week. But only the two of you instead of everyone. I might join sometimes, too. That way, you won’t be able to ignore each other or only talk about me or the weather.” The last word is said with a bit of pity, and Clarke recovers just in time to not wince at the memory of a painfully awkward conversation with Bellamy. 

“Isn’t that a bit like a…” Bellamy starts.

“It is not a date, relax,” Madi finishes. “I’m not six. I don’t expect you to fall in love and live happily ever after. I just want the two of you to not be so weird around each other.”

Clarke nods. “Alright, I don’t think that’s an outrageous ask.”

Bellamy’s still frowning, but he agrees, asking them both, “I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?”

Madi grins. “No, you don’t.”

Bellamy replies, “Figures.” But adds, “Not that I’m not ecstatic by this prospect.” He coughs and looks at Madi. “Because if it’s what you want us to try and do, then...Sounds good.”

Clarke chokes on a laugh and he shoots a glare at her, but it doesn’t have much anger to it. More of a teasing than anything else. She’s grateful, they’ve fought enough in front of and in earshot of Madi. 

Once they decide to have dinner at Bellamy and Murphy’s restaurant next week, only the two of them, Bellamy takes off. 

Clarke and Madi sit down at the table as Clarke scans through some admin emails from work and she starts in on her homework. Which is strange, because she normally does it in her room. 

“Madi,” she starts after a few minutes, unable to stop herself. Madi looks up and she continues, “I know I’ve said it before but...I am sorry. About Bellamy. About lying to you.”

Madi nods. “I know you are.” She shrugs. “And even though I’m still mad at you for doing it...I kind of get it, I think.”

Clarke swallows. “I’m really gonna try and make up for it though, I promise.”

Madi smiles, and she feels relieved, even if it’s only a little, and does nothing to calm her nerves. “I know you will.”

It’s those words that make Clarke feel better. Not enough to drown out the doubt and self-loathing she feels for keeping the secret in the first place, but enough where she can concentrate on her work. Madi goes upstairs a few minutes later, and she’s sure the only reason she stuck around was because she sensed Clarke wanted to say something. 

Before she can think better of it, she pulls out her phone and sends a quick text message. It’s harmless, she tells herself. 

_imessage_

**Clarke:** Thank you. For trying. It really means a lot, and for the record, I was wrong for thinking you wouldn’t be a good dad. That you wouldn’t try to be one at all. I’m sorry. 

**Bellamy:** You’re very welcome

She rolls her eyes, but then he sends another message a second later. 

**Bellamy:** Does this earn us good communication points??

She laughs. 

**Clarke:** It better. 

**Bellamy:** I’ll be sure to tell Madi to add it to her data

Clarke faves the message and considers leaving it there. But she can’t help herself from sending something else. Though she knows it’s playing with fire a little. 

**Clarke:** Hope you really pull out all the stops for our non-date family dinner with just the two of us at your fine establishment. 

She’s nervous she’s crossed a line, until he replies. 

**Bellamy** : Of course. Nothing but the best for my baby momma 

She has no problem with coming with a reply to that.

**Clarke:** You’re gross. 

**Bellamy:** You know it

She tries to come up with something else to say, but then Raven comes home, and she leaves for her night shift. By the time she comes up with a witty reply around midnight, it’s been too long and she figures he’s asleep or still at the restaurant. She convinces herself not to reply.

Clarke doesn’t think the messages might lead to trouble until she can’t fall asleep at six-thirty in the morning, and by then, she knows the damage has already been done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> Find me on tumblr (@detectivebellamyblake)


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